I must be crazy

I had that thought today as I was running on the treadmill. I tried to write my first entry this morning before I ran, but was not feeling inspired to write. I had hoped getting on the treadmill would help me write, however it didn't turn out that way. It started out ok, and I had some ideas about what to write about. But overall it wasn't a good run. My legs were sore, and my chest was sore. I seem to keep pulling the same chest muscle when I do Jillian Michaels 30 day shred, level 2. As if I don't already have a hard enough time breathing while running. 

I should probably write about who I am, and what I'm doing. And why I think I can/should run a marathon. 

At the end of 2006, I reached my highest weight ever. I weighed 298 lbs. I remember daring myself to get over 300, not knowing what I'd do if I hit 300 lbs. I was unhappy, miserable, and I now realize I wasn't dealing with certain issues (maybe I'll write about them at another date, now isn't the time), and just did not like myself, and didn't care. I also didn't see myself as THAT heavy. I didn't think I looked that different. 

I lost about 20 lbs that first year. I counted points, then calories and for exercise I did work out dvds and walked on my lunch. And did pretty much that until 2009.

I remember when I went on my first run. I was visiting my Mom in Traverse City for Memorial Day weekend, and decided to go on a walk, to get some exercise in. It was a cold and rainy day. I started off walking, and then just had this moment where I decided I should try running. There was no one around, and figured I could try it. I did. I think I ran/walked about an hour that day. I have no idea how far I went, or how long I actually ran for. But something changed that day, and I wanted to start running more. I came home, mapped out a mile route around my neighborhood, and started off doing that. I was still around 240ish pounds, and did what I could. I was slow, and had to walk, and would feel almost dead after doing a mile. 

But I loved it. I had always HATED running when I was a kid. I remember in 10th grade gym class, having to run, and I'd try to get out of it. I have no idea how long the route was that we had to run out in the neighborhood around the high school, but it felt like 50 miles, and I hated it. I was always last and everyone else would be sitting around waiting for me. Why the teacher couldn't let them go back inside, I'll never know. But I was always last, and always felt horrible. And so it was a surprise when I liked running. 

So I started off with a mile, and by mid summer wanted to do a 5k. I didn't quite know how far a 5k was, but found out it was 3.1 miles. The first time I did 3 miles, I ran the first mile, walked the 2nd, and I think ran/walked the 3rd. I did it around the track at a school thats near my house. I felt like I was going to die after, but I figured since I didn't die, I could do a 5k race.

I did my first 5k race Sept 2009. It was hard, but I loved it. I finished in 44:59. And felt awesome. I wanted to cry when I crossed the finish line. It was so hard, and I remember being passed by walkers! Walkers! But I didn't care.

My Dad somehow talked me into signing up for the Bayshore Marathon, for May 2010. We made it a family thing, and we had so many in the family doing a race that day. My husband, 2 sisters and my sister's bf did a 10k. My Aunt, cousin and her husband did a half marathon. And my Dad, Uncle, BIL and cousin, and myself ran in the marathon. I didn't finish. And was really upset about it. I was the only one in our group who did not finish. I made it to almost mile 24. I called it 23.75 miles. It was hard. It sucked, and I hated it. I was alone for most of it, and it was so hot. I didn't hydrate as well as I should, and just felt really alone. My sister, husband and nephew came out to walk with me, and help me finish up, even though the finish line was closed. I couldn't do it.

I didn't talk to anyone for a few days, and I remember telling my husband, it just seemed like the story of my life. I almost always almost do these great, wonderful things, and then quit. I listed them out, and started to cry. I had wanted the experience of running the marathon to change me in such a way that I'd never feel like that again. That it would make me feel like I could do anything I wanted! After a few days, or maybe a few weeks, I was ok with the experience. I didn't quit running. I went running about a week and a half later. And kept running.

I wasn't ready then. I didn't get to train like I should have. I had injured my hip and couldn't run for a while, and just didn't realize how hard I really had to train. I still weighed 225 lbs. To be able to go almost 24 miles, was amazing, when I look at where I had started. 

I had wanted to try running Bayshore again, however, they filled up quickly, and I wasn't able to sign up. I was looking for other marathons to run this summer in Michigan, and had thought I had found the one I wanted to do. But then my Dad asked if I wanted to run the Marine Corps Marathon with him and my Uncle. I said yes! Its October 30th, 2011. I have plenty of time to train, and am really excited about it. 

I'm still on this weight loss journey, and have lost just over 85 lbs. I started at 298, and am at 211.8, I was a size 26, and am now a size 16. I feel really good. For the first time in my life, I can really say that I love myself. And running played a huge part in that role. Running has become my therapy. I almost always feel better after a run.

And back to today's run. I ended up going only 5k (which I now know is 3.1 miles), and felt bad about it. And thought I must be crazy to think I could run a marathon, when I struggled today with only 3 miles. And in my head thought today was a bad run. But then I thought about it some more, and decided that NO run is a bad run. I may not have gone as far or as fast as I wanted today, but I still ran. I still did something. Anytime I do something that is a step toward my goals, regardless of how small or insignificant I may think it is, its still important. And could never be considered bad. 

We'll see if I can keep that optimistic view, when I get into the 20+ mile runs.