Scared!

So, I've been pretty active the last few days.  I ran 4.5 miles on Friday, and had a PR for that time, and just for a long(er) run in general.  I rarely average under 12 min/miles, and I was at 11:40 or something.  And felt awesome.  And then ran again on Saturday, and was a minute slower, which was fine.


I biked today to Concord (and back ;)) and that was just under 26 miles.  It was a nice ride.  Most of it was alone, but my husband came back for me (he had rode it himself but of course much faster than me) and met me with about 5 miles to go.  Anyway, I didn't have my music, which was fine.  I listened to the wind, the birds, other people, dogs, and paid attention to the sights.  Its a beautiful ride.  I love the lakes.  I also love this plant that grows along the trail.  I have no idea what it is, its just really big leaves.  I wont tell you what it reminds me of, because its crazy. 


Anyway, as I was riding home, and my legs were tired, and I just wanted to be done, I realized that I'm going to be running 26 miles like the last weekend in September.  And then 26.2 on Oct 30th.  And it freaked me out a little.  I was struggling with tired legs just BIKING it, how the heck am I going to run/walk it then?  I have enough time to follow the training program exactly, and other than not being consistent with my weekly runs, I'm not doing too bad.  But I'm scared!  I know I need to get better on getting in my runs during the week.  I really only NEED to do two, and 3 or 4 is not out of the question. 


So yeah, I'm questioning my sanity at this point, and my ability.  I don't know if I can do it.  I know I can do 23.75.  It would take losing a leg to not at least get to THAT point again.  But I'm just scared.  I still have so much weight to lose, and I know it will be easier if I'm much lighter.  I need to get that part of this in check too! 


I can do this, right???

Just Perfect!

I had an awesome run today.  Just perfect.  I felt great during it, and was smiling and just had FUN.  I love it.  I love running.  I love how it makes me feel.  I could smell the flowers, hear the birds, and just enjoyed being outside.  I know the sun wasn't out and it was a little cold, but thats ok.  It was still nice to get outside and have fun.  I did 4.5 in 52:42, which is like my best time ever.  Under 12 min miles.  I looked at the first time I did that same route, back in 2009.  And it took me 1:10:00.  I've improved by almost 18 mins.  Thats pretty good right???


I've been struggling a bit.  I know, when am I NOT struggling?  Its an everyday thing lately, it seems like.  But I'm back up in the 209's.  I know its mostly just water weight and bloating, but its still there, and its because I ate badly for a week or so, and didn't work out.  So my run today re focused me, and really made me think.  I need to let go of something, really let go, and move on, to get under 200 lbs.  I know what it is, and I know I've moved on, moved forward and forgive myself.  But maybe not, because I'm getting close, and something inside me keeps sabotaging me.  I don't know if its related to that or not.  It seems like it is though.  Or maybe not. 


And also, I'm weird, and I will Survive came on during my run:

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me


Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore...

 and I felt like I was singing (yes I will sing when I'm out running ;)) that part to my inner fat girl who keeps coming back!  I really want her to know that I don't want her around anymore!  :) Hey, sometimes silly thoughts like that will get you through a run, and keep you moving! :)


Anyway, I plan to stay on track, and exercise my butt off, literally, this weekend.  I feel so so so so good right now.  I wish I could share some of this good feeling with anyone who needs it. 

What I've learned...

I was thinking today while riding my bike, about what I've learned about myself, life, weight loss, and exercising since I hit my highest weight about 4.5 years ago.  And I've learned a lot!


1. I love to run.  Who knew? 
2. I love working out with my husband
3. I like vegetables.  Like peppers, asparagus, green beans, beans, peas and others
4. Making it up a hill on a trail, on a mt bike makes you feel like you can do anything
5. Running 5 miles is a short, fun run now
6. You can be beautiful and healthy at ANY weight and size
7. My husband made me feel beautiful at every weight I've been since we've met
8. My husband is hot.  He's always been attractive, but he looks sooo good now!
9. Portioning out food is NOT that hard.  Once you start doing it, it becomes 2nd nature
10. I can eye ball a serving of PB within a few grams (that one I learned yesterday!)
11. Beautiful days should not be wasted indoors
12. I love to be outside, in nature. 
13. I still hate all bugs, and mayflies still freak me out
14. All this hard work is so worth it - because of how it makes me feel (and looking good is a plus too!)
15. I can run/walk 23.75 miles and not die, and I hope to make that 26.2 this year!
16. I love to see other people outside being active in my very unhealthy city
17. I am still lazy, but at least most of the time I'm lazy AFTER I get some sort of activity in
18. I still have a big ass
19. Being active with my husband has brought us closer together
20. My husband gets as excited as I do when I reach my goals
21. I love to see my husband reach HIS goals
22. Krogert Carbmaster is the best yogurt in the world
23. Cute work out clothes help
24. Having "mortons toe" sucks when you're a runner. 
25. Toenails take about a year to grow back completely if you lose the whole thing
26.  I still scream like a girl if a bee flies into my face (lol did that one yesterday on a trail ;))
27. Life is much easier when you love yourself
28. Life is much easier at 203 lbs than at 298 lbs
29. Life is much easier when you forgive yourself for past mistakes
30. Its better to deal with feelings rather than eat them (I'm still working on that one!)
31. A good sports bra is a MUST!
32. I like not having children, and I like my life
33. Being a hoarder has its advantages, if you save clothes, and lose weight.
34. Owning a food scale is so important
35. Imodium D is a runners best friend at times!

... Thats all that comes to mind at the moment. 

THIS is why I run

This awesome feeling after a great run.  I did 7.5 miles today, and while it was slower than I had really wanted, I felt great during, and after.  I haven't run since last Friday (which is why I haven't posted anything recently) and was nervous to go such a long distance, when its been so long.


Anyway, it was beautiful out - the sun was out, and everything was great.  I did run out of Gatorade on my way home, so I could tell I was getting dehydrated, but other than that, it was nice!  I really didn't have that feeling of WHEN is this going to be over, which was good. 


Anyway, I feel really REALLY good, and am about to go mt biking with my cute husband! :)  I'll try to write more later tonight!

Good run/Bad Run

Earlier this week I had a great run.  I did 2.2 miles in 24:33, or something like that.  It was my fastest time for 2 miles, I averaged 11:07 min/miles.  That was great. 

Today, I was supposed to only do 3 miles, but planned on going 4.5.  I ended up doing 4, and it was hard!  It was hot and humid out, and I had only had a couple hundred calories prior to it.  I had to fast for some blood work, so I had 2 pieces of hard candy and half a clif bar a little before I left for my run.  I also had a horrible cramp.  I didn't wait long enough after eating to go.  Oh well.  I averaged just over 13/min miles.  Which I guess is still faster than I was 2 years ago, or even last year.  But it was beautiful out - just a little TOO warm. 

The lilacs smelled so pretty.  The sun felt awesome on my skin.  The breeze was perfect.  So maybe it wasn't such a bad run today. 

Oh and I'm down to 203.2 lbs.  I dont even remember the last time I weighed this close to 200.  I do know I weighed 199 on 7/29/00.   So yeah, its been a LONG time!

Elitist Attitudes...

...Suck.  And its awful in the running community.  If you aren't as fast or as thin as the typical runner, you're not a runner.  If you cant go long distances, you're not a runner.  The looks I've gotten, the comments I've received - I'm surprised I still run.  Read any running message board or article, and the comments are horrible and mean about slow or overweight runners.  And even on my calorie counting website - this stupid woman was so mean and condescending to me.  It actually makes me want to stop using that website and log elsewhere. 

Well ya know what I think?  F*ck 'em.  I don't care.  I don't care that I'm fat, and that I'm slow.  I don't care that I may not be able to go 26.2 miles.  I don't care that THEY don't like the way I look in my running gear.  I don't care that I run 12:00 to 12:30 min miles, and because of that they don't consider me a runner. 

I'm fat, I'm slow and guess what people?!?  I'm a RUNNER!  Thats right, I'm going to spoil your sport by lugging my fat ass outside and running slow, and by RUNNING in the MCM.

Yesterday was a NON fat day!

Everyone has "fat" days - sometimes from period bloat, or whatever, and they suck.  Nothing fits right - everything is too tight, and you just want to stay in bed with a pair of pj pants and a t shirt.  I hate those days!  You just feel like your body is all wrong, and you hate it.  Or at least I do.  Granted I don't get those days often anymore, but every once in awhile I do.

Anyway, yesterday was a NON fat day!  I just did not feel fat at all.  I know I still am, but I just didn't feel it yesterday.  Nothing was too tight on me, capris I bought last year that were too small, are now a tad too big, and I wore them yesterday.  But it was more than just the clothes too.  I just did not feel fat anymore.  I think maybe my head is catching up more with my body.  I mean, I can look at myself, and know that I've lost weight, but its hard to see it and FEEL it sometimes.  Which is why I get obsessive a bit with taking pictures - because then I can put them side by side and really SEE it. 

So yay for non fat day yesterday!

AND! I saw Thumbs up Running dude for the first time this season.  And it totally made my run that much better! :)

Don't doubt yourself

Thats what my husband told me before I left for my 6 mile run.  I told him I wanted to run my 6 miles in 1:10:00.  I didn't, but I kept repeating that to myself as I was out there today. 
I did do 6 miles in 1:16:09, which is totally awesome.  Thats around 12:37 pace, which is good! 

I was looking at some of my training runs last year, for the Bayshore marathon, and I've improved a lot.  I did a 5 mile run in Jan 2010, and I did it in 1:15:00.  I can now do 5 miles in about an hour.  I did get it under an hour once too :) So I'm doing much better. 
I'm feeling good too, today.  I'm not tired or sore (other than the soreness I had prior to my run) and overall just feel GOOD.  I also was able to sleep in a bit, which helped too. 

It was beautiful out - the sun was out, the temp was perfect, there was a breeze, the scent of freshly cut grass.  I saw a few trilliums, and was tempted to pick them, but of course didn't, and just took a picture instead!

Just a short one!

I had a nice little run this evening after work.  It was a beautiful night - though it seems like October, and not May.  I did 2.2 miles, and did it in 25:57.  I'm pretty sure that is my fastest time, which is awes.  My pace was 11:47 - which is great!! :) I love that I'm getting into the 11's!  I remember when I was happy about a run that was more than a mile, and was averaging 15's.  I'm slowly getting better.

My ankle is sore - I have stupid weak bad ankles, and my legs are sore.  I think I'm taking tomorrow off, so I can do my 6 mile run Friday morning.  But if its nice tomorrow, it'll be hard not to get out there and do something. 

I don't really have much else to write about.  Other than I have cute dogs, and a cute husband. 

Oh I cant wait to go to sleep tonight - my husband washed the bedding and made the bed.  I love clean bedding! :)