Looks around and dusts the cobwebs off this old blog...

To be honest, I probably wouldn't really dust anything off since I hate to clean.  And never clean, anything.

But, I've been thinking about writing in this blog for awhile now.  I didn't realize how much I wrote until I started seeing my blog posts show back up in the new Facebook memories option. 

I started running, again, after about 2 months of no running.  Well, 2 months of doing nothing.  No running, no zumba, nothing.  I had sprained my ankle and recently found out it was not just a sprain but a fracture too.  I've never had a fractured or broken bone but have sprained both of my ankles numerous times and I did it again.  It's so embarrassing how it happened.  It wasn't while running or biking or anything.  I fell.  While on vacation in Las Vegas.  I fell on the stage at Chippendales when I was about to get my picture taken with strippers.  Yes, I fell on the stage in front of all the strippers and other women there.  I flipped over the front of my bike a few years ago on a trail and got up and rode a few more trails.  I didn't break anything and was fine.  I fall on stage in front of a bunch of pretty guys and I fracture my ankle.  Nice.  It's such a Liz thing to do, I really shouldn't be surprised.

 

That's the picture, in case you wanted to see it.  I sprained (fractured) my ankle right before they took this picture.  lol oh well, it's a funny story, right?  And that guy next to me hugged me and told me it was not as bad as the fall he had recently.

 

Anyway, before going to Las Vegas and falling (twice but the other time I hit my right knee) I was training for the Bayshore Marathon.  Kind of.  I had planned to still do it but was unsure if I was going to finish before they closed the finish line.  I was still going to do it and just do what I could.  I had a few long runs in April, a 10 mile and a 13.1 mile.  So I had gone a few longer distance, although slowly.  I was not enjoying running and was doing it because I felt like I had to because I was signed up for this race.  I had a few runs that I had enjoyed but overall, it felt forced and I wasn't trying too hard.

 

Then I got hurt.  I realized how active I was and how active I want to be and how much it sucked to be forced to do nothing.  I couldn't run - I could barely walk.  I went to see an ortho doctor and was given the ok to run, but to go slow (not a problem) and not go far (kind of a problem).  She said I could go but to not go out and run 4 miles in my first run back (as my friend said to me, did I tell her that was a SHORT run for me?? I didn't but just said ok).  I was still afraid to go and was going to wait until my first physical therapy appointment but then it was my birthday.  On June 28th.  I have almost always run at least a 5k on or around my birthday.  It's a birthday 5k that I always win :)

 

I thought about going and was up early and it was a beautiful day.  It was the perfect day.  I had someone tell me one time on my birthday "Happy New Year" rather than the standard "Happy Birthday".  And that popped into my head (it was another runner that I know) and thought, this is my new year, I am turning 35.  I know I can't go far but I can still go. 

 

So I went. 

 

It was slow.  It was short, 1.25 miles and it was exactly what I needed.  I walked .25 mile and then started running.  It was so hard.  I couldn't breathe.  I kept going though and then this song came on:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc

 

 

I knew the first time I heard it, that it was going to be one of my favorite running songs.  And I wasn't wrong.  I was almost sobbing and had to calm myself down because I couldn't breathe!  lol...  I was just so happy and remembered why I loved running so much.  What it did for me.  How it made me feel.  I can't even explain the happiness that I felt and that I knew I was back on the right path and was going to become the runner I was, the runner I want to be. 

 

I finished my run, with this song on repeat.  And felt so amazing.  It had been a long time since I felt like that.  It didn't matter that I had gained so much weight back (more on that later, I'm sure) or that I could only go one loop when in the past I've done 10, or that I was so slow that I could barely say I was running.  I didn't care.  I felt so amazing that all of that stuff dropped away at that moment.  I was smiling during the run and just wanted to keep going.  I stopped though and of course took a picture, or 2.

 

 

 

 

I went running 4 times last week.  All short runs, all slow runs.  But something came back that I had been missing.  I always have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning to go run before work.  I did not have a big problem doing it last week (or today).  Because I wanted to get out there.  I wanted to go run.  That's huge for me.  I don't know how long it will last, but I'm going to take advantage of it and get up early and go run before I go to work. 

 

I also realized something else.  I've been really hard on myself lately.  I've gained back a bunch of weight (read almost all of it).  I had lost about 15 lbs training for Bayshore but being off two months and being depressed about it, I gained that right back.  So.  I've been beating myself up.  Talking negatively to myself (which I know does not help at.all) and seeing all the negatives about my body when I look in a mirror or at a picture. 

 

But, that's starting to change again.  I looked at the pictures above and posted them on FB.  And didn't think about my much fuller face.  I instead saw my freckles and realized that I like the freckles on my nose and cheeks.  I put on shorts this past weekend and instead of thinking about how much bigger my legs are now and how I had to put on a size 22 shorts (a size 22!! :/ ) I thought about how nice my legs looked, with my tan and how strong they were to be carrying around this body on a healing fractured ankle at this weight on 4 runs this past week. 

 

It'll take time to completely silence those negative voices again (or at least get them to a point where I can drown them out my positive comments) but I think I'm on my way there again. 

 

I hope so anyway.  I have more to write about but I need to get to bed - I have to get up early, to run :D and that makes me so happy!   





Training Run/walk #1

Is done.  Today was the start of my 30 week journey to Bayshore 2015.  I messed up my training schedule a bit and put next weeks Sunday walk on the schedule for today but that's ok. 

I did 37 minutes of walking.  It's been awhile since I've just walked, and tried not to stress about pace and how slow I am.  I only had to do 30 mins but I figured I'd walk a little further. 

It was nice.  I'm out of shape but that's ok.  It'll come back.  I'm like strangely excited about getting into longer runs again.  I miss long runs!  I miss going out for hours on the weekend, just running.  I am going to try to follow the training guide as closely as I can.  Doing more when I can, like I did today. 

37:03 - 2.17 miles - DONE!  I can't wait to cross that off my calendar at work tomorrow!! :)

273

I don't know how to even start this blog.  Or where to start.  Or even what to title it. 

But.  I have gained back a lot of weight.  Almost all of it that I lost. 

Yup. <sigh>

I used to weigh 298 lbs.  In 2006.  And then things changed.  I changed.  In 2009 I started running.  I was down to 202 in 2011.  Then things started to go back up from there.  Oh I would have times where I'd get back on track and lose some and do ok and then go back to not eating right and not exercising and go back up. 

Then I changed jobs this year, which is such a good and great thing for me.  But it's also a completely sit at your desk job.  And so on came more weight.  And more.  I had to get out the fat clothes again.  Clothes I had packed away and had intention of donating but never got around to it. 

And we get to today.  I haven't wanted to post my weight or pictures of me because of how much weight I gained back.  For a few reasons.  Because I don't want pity, or to know that there are probably some people who would be secretly happy at my failure, or others to try to take advantage of me and sell me their miracle product or others to try to help and tell me to "just do x and x and you'll lose weight" and because I was just embarrassed and ashamed.

I weighed in today at 273 lbs.  And it sucks.  And I hate the way I feel and the way I look and how inactive I have become.  There are so many reasons why I gained it back - and the main one is I stopped taking care of myself and became lazy again.  It's hard, because I am, to the core, lazy.  I always have been.  Sure, I like to go out and do things and eat well, but I also like to lay around and do nothing and eat.  And it's easier to do the latter.  And so that part of me won.  Again. 

So here I am.  Again.  I have a race in 30 weeks.  I will not be able to finish or even start for that matter, if I don't do something.  I have been attempting to be active over the past couple of weeks and I have done ok.  But the problem is, I spend so much of my day just sitting when in the past that wasn't the case.  Because of that, I have to do that much more to actually make a difference.  I can't get away with the things I used to, because I just am not active at work anymore and I work so many more hours too. 

The past few months, I'd start setting unrealistic goals for myself - that I had to lose so much weight by a particular date because I'd be seeing certain people and I didn't want to still be so fat.  And that doesn't work.  At least for me.  I some how started caring what people thought of me again.  I don't know how or why that happened but it did.  When I stopped caring about what others thought of me and started only caring how I thought of me, is how I lost weight the first time.  When I started really loving myself and treating myself better, it was easier to lose weight.  I need to get that back. 

I also need to forgive myself and move on.  I can keep being mad at myself and keep eating and keep not doing anything about it.  And then I'll really be back where I started, weight wise, but be worse off then I was before.

This week I will be able to do a few things to help me get back on track - but I have to wait to get paid ;) lol.  I am going to go grocery shopping and stock my house with good, healthy foods.  I am not going to buy things that I know will trigger binge eating.  I am buying new running shoes and signing up for kick boxing lessons.  In a couple more weeks I will be able to pay off a large portion of my credit card debt and will be able to use that extra money to join the wellness center/gym that is offered by my employer. 

This week also starts the starting of my marathon training for Bayshore 2015.  I did my first training walk today.  In 30 weeks, I will be at the starting line for a marathon.  I can't do it at 270 lbs, that is for sure.

I hope this is it, this time.  I keep feeling like ok this is it, this is where I gain back control of myself and my life.  And then it's not.  But this has to be it.  I can't go through another race and not finish.  I can't do that.  And the only way that won't happen is if I get back control and move forward.  I need to stop worrying about the past and how much weight I gained back and how I used to be able to run faster.  It's keeping me in the past and not letting me move forward.

So I had to put my weight out there.  273.  When I was finally honest and came out with my weight in the past it helped.  It helped to see that number out there and not keep it a secret. 

I will beat this again and win. 

A letter

Dear Jackson,

Let me introduce myself. My name is Liz. And I'm a runner. I love running outside and have been running since 2009. And I'm fat.

Apparently those 4 things (a fat female runner who runs outside) make me a target for (mostly young guys) to yell things at me while I run. They have yelled things that are *supposed* to be mean. I’ve been laughed at and honked at.

I feel sorry for you. Sorry that you think it's acceptable to be mean to someone and someone you don't even know. Someone who is doing something maybe you're afraid of doing. You seem to think that a person's worth is tied to their weight. I'm glad that I live my life differently. My self-worth is not based on the numbers on the scale. I am a happy, kind, loving, beautiful awesome person who is a wife, mother to two dogs, super awesome aunt to 5 wonderful kids, a daughter, sister, cousin, niece, granddaughter and friend.  I am a person who gets told almost daily by people that I inspire them, that they are proud of me. Can the people in your life say the same? Would they say the same if they knew you were yelling nasty things to and laughing at a complete stranger? Would you say that to your daughter, mother, sister or loved one? Would you want someone doing that to you or your family member?

I'm not exactly sure what your goal is by yelling or laughing at me. But let me tell you a few things about myself. I have run in 2 marathons, finished the Marine Corps Marathon with my Dad and have run 2 half marathons.  I have run with an injured knee, calf pain, hamstring pain, horrible endometriosis cramps, diarrhea and bleeding toes (did that today...). I've lost toenails, have been sunburned, wind burned and have had frostbite. I've run in the cold, in the heat, the rain and the snow. Remember some of those snow storms this past winter? I went running in that. Remember those really hot summer days we've had? I was out there running. I've run while happy. I've gone running while anxious and worried and have run through grief. I run for a little boy who has chILD who can't run. I go running even when I don't want to sometimes. I've run with only a few hours of sleep. I've cried while running. I’ve cried because I was so happy and proud of myself. Cried because I was out there running for those have been lost.

And through all of that, I've had to deal with people trying to take that away from me. Even if all of my accomplishments with running hadn't happened and it was my first day running, I don't deserve your nastiness in my life. Or even if I was just out there, living my life.  NO ONE DOES!!

I went through many many years of horrible depression. I survived it. I came out of it and started running. Running gave me my life back. I became a better, happier, healthier and more awesome person.

If your goal is to get me to stop running well... let me tell you this right now. Your stupid comments, your laughter, your honking, and whatever else you throw at me isn't going to do that. Because, well, I'm a runner and I'm made of something much much stronger than your stupid little comments.

~Liz

11 miles!!

Ok, 11.09 to be exact.  I really should have done 13 but I did 11.

Oh and yeah, I'm sorry I haven't been writing anything.  I did 7 last weekend and did 4 last Wednesday.  I have been slacking in my running AND my blogging.

It was 50 and sunny today so I HAD to get out there for a long run.  I am so afraid I'm not going to be ready for Bayshore but I'm going to keep training and doing what I can.  And I know I can do better.

I am doing good at keeping my pace where I need to be for the race.  So I feel good about that.  I just need to increase my milage.  I have 2 months to get ready for this race.  I think I might need new shoes and/or lose about 30 lbs.  My ankles have been getting sore on my long runs.   

I can do it, right? 

I have been too hard on myself so I bought a bikini

My Aunt Irene and my friend Marie pointed out to me on FB today that I'm being to hard on myself with my weight and all of that.

I started to think about it and I am being too hard on myself.  I am mad and upset with myself for gaining so much weight over the past few months that I think it is hindering my weight loss efforts.  I need to get back to this person, from 2011

I wasn't hard on myself back then and did practice positive self talk.  It's one of the things that really helped me lose weight.  I need to get back to that.

So in an effort to do that and get back to loving me and my body as it is, I bought a bikini :)

I have been eyeing this type of bathing suit for a couple of years now but have not been brave enough to even buy it.  But something always held be back.  Part of it was back in 8th grade I bought this super cute bikini.  It was tan and blue striped with this lacing part in the front on the top part.  I loved that and looking back I have no idea why I bought it.  I think because I was with my sisters and my friend and that's what they were buying and I didn't want to feel left out.  I wore it once.  Because the one time I wore it my Mom told me that I shouldn't wear a bikini since I was "full figured".  Ok, I was like a size 13ish when I bought it.  And her saying that, which I know, I know she didn't mean anything bad by it, it's just how many people think.  It's been taught that if you are over a particular size there are certain things you "just shouldn't wear" and a bikini and spandex are two of those things.  I got over the spandex thing (how many times have I read you have to earn the right to wear spandex?) as I wear that when I run.  All the time.

It's time I got over the bikini thing.  So I bought this:

Ok, so I did buy it in a smaller size than I am now.  But I bought it. And I will wear it.  Because there is no reason why I shouldnt or can't. 

It's time to get real.

Like super real. 

I gained a lot of weight over the last part of last year.  I weighed in, in early January and was 241 lbs.  Again.  Which means that I gained like 20+ lbs.  You would think that seeing that number again would have motivated me a lot and I'd have those 20 lbs gone by now.

You'd be wrong.  I mean, I tried.  Kind of.  But just kept buying more junk food and eating too much and not exercising enough.  And I kept saying, well, when I start my new job, things will be easier and better and I'll get back on track for good.  I mean, I have a marathon in May and I'm going to Vegas in April.  I need to be exercising and eating well and running a lot.  It didn't quite happen.  I mean, I eat well for breakfast and lunch and then mess up for dinner and everything else when I'm not at work.  It's so easy to fall back into bad habits.  So.F-ing.Easy. 

I hate that this is so hard for me and that I make it harder on myself than it needs to be.  It's easy - eat less, move more.  But it's not that easy, I guess.  Anyway, I've been gaining and losing the same 9 lbs since then.  Because yes, I did see 250 again on the scale.  I have not seen that number since 2008?  It's been awhile.  None of my clothes fit and I'm miserable.

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself.  You think by now, I would have learned better.  I haven't.  Maybe one day I will! :)

Anyway, I have set a super unreasonable goal for myself.  Probably not the best idea but I need to get on track and have something to wear to Vegas.  Even if I don't meet it, I will at least, I hope anyway, have worked exercise back in on a regular basis.  One thing I plan to start doing is walking the stairs at work on my 2 15 minute breaks.  I sit all day now and at least this will get me moving more during the day!! :)

Now on to happier things...

I was matched with my running buddy today!!  I learned about this great group from my friends from my running group on FB.  http://www.whoirun4.com/about-ir4/.  I can't wait to learn more about my buddy and his family! :) I ran my first miles for him today - I did 8 miles on the treadmill!!