I've been away for awhile

I've just been busy, and also, not eating right or running on a regular basis.  I need to get back to writing here, because it helps me so much to reflect on where I've been, and where I'm going. 

I've gained about 10 lbs in the past couple of months.  I don't remember if I posted about that at all.  I'm not happy about it, and it was actually 15 lbs, I've been able to lose 5 so far.  I just have so many excuses, and sometimes its just so much easier to fall back on those excuses and not do what I know I need to.
I have this week off of work, and will hopefully use it to get back on track, and back to running.  I'm planning to get on the treadmill in a little while, since its cold and raining outside.  I'm not that hardcore! 

Anyway, I hope to start writing here more again, because it will probably mean that I'm running more!

Another good run!

I went out for a short, 2.2 mile run this afternoon.  It was good!  I beat my time from the other day, and did it in 26:01.  I was hoping for under 26, but I was happy with that.  I didn't have any knee pain, which is awesome.  I think the rest, even though it sucked big time, helped a lot.  I also have started stretching after my runs - not as much or as thorough as I should, but at least I'm doing it now.  I also did the one work out DVD the other day, and plan to do it again soon.  I hope to get up to doing that 3x a week. 

So yeah, I'm getting out of the funk/bad mood/depressive state I was in.  I'm eating better - still not logging my food, but at least eating a little better.  Our food scale's batteries died, so it makes it hard to measure stuff out.  I really like the scale so much better than counting out pieces or using measuring cups.  Hopefully I'll be able to lose the 4 or so lbs I gained back, and start losing new weight again. 

I'm doing better.  I'm glad to be back to running, and glad to not have the knee pain anymore.  I cant wait for April - thats when I get to officially start training for MCM '12.  Its only 6 months away :)  I also want to try to get in a half marathon before that too, but it'll be winter, and I'm not sure how many I can find in Michigan! :)

I went running!

I had to.  I was starting to feel very crazy, and just needed to go.  I feel so so much better after going, its amazing.  I did not have any knee pain, but to be honest, did feel some tightness in my ankle area.  But no knee pain!!  I can deal with the ankle.

It was beautiful out.  It was mid 60's, sunny with Autumn like clouds, and the trees have started to change color.  Just perfect.  I didn't think about ANYthing, while running.  I just enjoyed seeing the trees, the sun, the bunny, and listened to my music. 

I feel so good, so much better, at peace, and not so grouchy.  I guess thats a good thing right?  I was tempted to do my 4.5 mile route, but stopped at 2.2 miles, because I didn't want to over do it.  I'll try to run later this week again, but also plan to do a work out DVD again.  I did one on Saturday, and I'm STILL sore from it.  I guess thats a big sign that I haven't been working out my body like I should be. 
Tomorrow starts a new chapter in my life.  And my husbands life too.  We start school tomorrow evening!  I'm excited about it.  I quit school years ago, and am so excited to be going back.  The last time I was in college, I was dealing with a loss, and depression.  So it will be fun to go back, and not have that going on.  I feel good about my life and myself, and school.  Its still scary, but I'm excited.  I feel like I'm back, me, the me I lost during those tough years of my early to mid 20's.  But a new and better me too.
I'm feeling better.  I'm so glad I was able to go running tonight.  I'm so happy I discovered running almost 2.5 years ago.  Its amazing how much it has changed me and my life. 

Stupid Knee, and Stupid life.....

So, I'm out.  I'm not running in the Marine Corps Marathon.  And it just totally sucks.  I hate this stupid knee, and my big ass ;) There are also life issues getting in the way of my making it to the MCM.  School and $$.  But mostly its my knee.  I'm still going to keep running, and will try to find a few half marathons to do in the next 6 months or so.  Or whenever I can get my butt in gear, and start working on strengthening my hips, which will help my knee. 

I plan to defer my entry to next year, and plan to run in the MCM next year. 
April is only a little over 6 months away, and thats when I start officially training again for MCM 2012. 

Update....

I went to the Dr last Tuesday.  He felt it was an overuse issue, and that if it didn't get worse, and I went to PT, I can still run the race.  I also had xrays taken of my knee and ankle, and those came back clear, which is good.

I had my first PT session last night, and what it comes down to is this:

I have a big ass.  And the slight knock knees and pigeon toes (toed? I don't know) don't help.  I have weak hip muscles and my right leg, is weaker than my left.  Which is odd since I am right handed. 
Nintin (my physical therapist) who was this cute little Indian guy, was trying to say in a nice way that because I was heavier in the past, and that my hips are still heavy (I was starting to laugh as he said that, because I just really wanted to say - so its because I have a big ass, right??) and my hips are weak, its causing my knee cap to track. 

I can run.  But I cant just go out and do my regular routine.  I have to first warm up on the bike.  And then do the stretches and strengthening exercises.  Then I can walk, and do a slow jog/run.  As I told him thats what I do anyway, because I'm really slow.  And then after that I have to do the stretches and exercises again.  At least I was given the ok to run, right?  I'm supposed to do the stretches and exercises at least every other day, but work up to every day and twice a day.  I think I'm also going to try to force myself to get back to the exercise DVDs.  I really shouldn't have stooped them when I started running.  But it was nice to have something I enjoyed doing, rather than forcing myself to work out. 

So.  Good news.  I just hope that I can still run this marathon. 

Being hurt just plain sucks

Thats really all.  My knee and ankle are feeling better today, but its still not quite right.  I think I may have figured out something that is contributing to my leg pain, but not sure if changing it will help.  I realized that I sleep in an odd position with my right leg.  I sleep on my left side, but then tuck and twist my right leg under my left.  Its so hard to explain, but as I was laying in bed the other night, I realized it puts a lot of strain and stress on my knee and ankle. 

Last night, I made sure to NOT sleep like that, and it is hard to change sleeping positions!  I never realized how comfortable I feel laying like that, and I was so uncomfortable in any other position. 
I do have a Dr appointment on Tuesday, so we'll see what he says.  I'm worried he's going to tell me that I'm out for this race.  I really hope not.  I don't want to defer and I don't want to sell my spot.  I really want to do this. 

I'm feeling really good about everything.  My life, and me are pretty awesome.  I'm so glad I see that now.  Its so nice to feel happy.  Really happy about everything.  Well not EVERYthing, if you know where I work ;) but I have a feeling that is going to work its self out soon ;) 

Anyway, I haven't run since Wednesday.  I tried a short treadmill run, and it did not go well.  My ankle was sore, and my knee too.  Which is what prompted me to call my Dr that day, and get an appointment. 
I'll update Tuesday afternoon!

I'm about to head out for a 6 miler

and I love that I consider that a "short" run now.  :) I went running on Friday, and it wasn't a very good run.  My knee was giving me problems.  I hope that its just from the fact that I've been wearing worn out shoes.  We'll see.  Its still a little stiff and sore today, but I'm going to wear my new shoes and see how it goes.  I hope that I don't have to cut it short.

I'm just feeling really good about so many things right now.  I need to get my diet under control, because I'm not eating well.  But other than that, I'm feeling great.  I'm looking ahead at life, and I'm so excited about it.  So many big changes are going to be *hopefully* happening in this next year, and I cant wait.

And what amazes me about everything, is running is what has helped realize I can do these things.  Can make these changes to make my life better.  I love that.  I love what running has given me. 

Its such a great feeling to have - because I spent pretty much all of my 20's sad and depressed and unhappy. 

I have a feeling that my 30's are going to be extremely awesome. 

Its funny...

How a good run can make you just feel so good about everything.  Not just about running, and training, but about life in general. 

I had planned on going 18 miles today, but ended up *only* ;) going 12.  But it was a good 12, and at a great pace too.  My pace was 13:15, and I was steady in my breathing, my running and my walking. 

I love coming home from a run, and just feeling happy and blessed about the life that I have.  That I feel full and content, and just happy.   I don't look at others and feel envious anymore.  I don't compare myself to others anymore. 

My husband and I were talking about the tattoo that I hope to get after I finish the MCM.  I want to have something that I can see everyday to remind me of where I started, and where I am at now, and where I am headed.  He thought of a good idea, to put something along the lines of 298 ----> 26.2.  To show where I started at, at 298 lbs, and getting to a marathon.  I have looked at so many ideas online, and I'd like to put that in there too.  I don't know if I want a winged foot or shoe or something too.  I cant wait to get it, because it'll mean I finished!

We were also talking about how neither one of us wants to go back to where we were.  And how we are going to help each other continue what we've started, and never go back to that.  Its amazing how much easier all of this is, when you have someone living with you who is your biggest cheerleader.  I love him for that. 

Who would think all of these happy good feelings could come out, just from a run? Thats why I feel like running is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.  I'm so thankful for everything I have, and I love that.  I'm so happy that just over 2 years ago I just decided to try running on my walk.
It changed my life!

I am still here!

But was away from the world for 2 weeks on vacation.  I had such a nice time.  No phone, no internet, no cable - it was heaven.  We stayed at my Dad's cabin in Lupton, MI.  I went swimming, sunbathed, read, and went running :) 

I ran 5 times while on vacation, which I think is pretty good for me.  I mapped out a short route in the nearby state park, and it was beautiful.  There were hills, trees, a lake and a creek.  It was only 2.8 miles, and my best time was 32:35.  I was happy with that.  Running there was so peaceful, only a handful of cars, and it was so much easier to breathe!  I think the pollution in Jackson, along with some other allergen is part of my breathing problem. 

Anyway, because of my vacation, I'm a little behind in my training.  I hope to get back on track this coming week. 

Feeling pretty good!

I had a decent run on Friday.  I did 5 miles, and it was hot, humid and slow, but overall, not too bad.  I think my pace was 12:38ish, which still amazes me.  I remember being stuck in the 15's and thinking I'd never get out of them!  So to do 5 miles in just over an hour, I'm happy!


I'm down to 202 as of yesterday!  96 lbs lost.  I never ever thought I'd be able to say that.   I never thought I'd be anywhere close to weighing in the 100's again.  And I have collar bones again!  I keep looking at them, and touching them - its crazy how I didnt really *see* how much weight I had gained.  I thought I pretty much looked the same, and now I look back, its obvious I didnt.  My face was so fat, but I didnt see it.  I can see it now - I have cheek bones! 


I'm planning to go running with my friend, who is so awesome to be willing to get out at 5:30 am tomorrow.  I hope that I'll be able to do it more, I really need to start running more.  The race isn't that far away, and I'm letting myself find excuses to not run as much as I really should be.  I also hope to run often on my 2 week vacation coming up.  Hopefully I can do better, and get more runs in.  I also need to work on hill training, because there are 2 major hills on the course!


I'm getting nervous, because its really not that far away! 

Best.Run.EVER!

I woke up this morning, at 5:30, on my day off to run 14 miles.  I think only crazy people do that.  And only crazy people look forward to it.  And I was looking forward to it all week.  I ate breakfast, even though its so hard for me sometimes to eat that early in the morning, and started hydrating with water. 

I had hoped to be out of the house around 7 am, but I did reset my alarm this morning from 5 am to 5:30, so I ended up leaving the house around 7:45 am. 

It was cool in the morning, with clouds, so that helped keep the temperature cool for longer.  I was kind of upset when I left, because my husband did not go with me, and I had wanted him to, so he could carry the Gatorade while riding his bike.  But I got over it, and had a nice run.  I had to do a 7 mile loop twice, and it was good.

I felt good and strong through out the whole thing.  I did have some pain in my right leg - in the ankle and knee, but overall, it was great. 

Around mile 12, I realized that I was still going strong, and was close to making my time goal, of under 3 hours.  I knew I wouldn't make it, but that I was close.  And I didn't care.  I felt so good, I was smiling!  I kept a smile on my face for the remaining 2 miles, and just felt good.  I laughed at myself, because I never thought I'd feel GOOD after going 12 miles, and that was like I only have 2 more to go?  I think I felt the "runners high" this time.  I've felt great during runs before, but never on a run THIS long.  Especially after that bad 12 mile run a few weeks ago.  It was awesome.  I felt so happy.  And still do! 
I wish I could explain in better words what this run did for me.  It was exactly what I needed, and was perfect.  I kept up with my intervals the whole time of 3:1 (run/walk) and actually skipped the last one because I was almost home, and wanted to finish strong, and finish it running.  The sun came out, and it did heat up a bit, but I kept myself hydrated, focused on what I was doing, and had fun.  I saw some deer, and a bunny.  One of the deer was a fawn! :) So cute!

My time was 3:04:01.  My disaster 12 mile run a few weeks ago? 3:01:00. 

I love running, myself, everything.  I love being happy, and feeling like this.  Its amazing to feel like this.  I remember being so sad, depressed, unhappy, fat, and just overall like shit.  And I no longer feel that way.  And *I* did that for myself.  I'm putting myself back together, and making myself better.

What I did to make this a wonderful awesome run (this next part is more for me, so I can remember what I did... so its kind of boring ;)) :

The night before:
I had 2 servings of pasta for dinner. 
I had about 6 hours of sleep (I would have liked more though)

Day of:
Breakfast - 1 serving of oatmeal, with raspberry yumberry yogurt mixed in, 2 pieces of light bread, 1 tbs I cant believe its not butter, and tbs of Jif Natural PB.  I started drinking a lot of water as soon as I woke up as well.
15 mins before I left:
Took 1 Imodium, and had 1 Strawberry Banana Power bar gel, as well as 600 mg of motrin at some point in the AM

While I was running:
I brought along 100 g of Haribo Gummy Bears, and ate most of them. 
I drank a total of 6 tbs worth of Gatorade
and at the half way point, I had another Strawberry Banana Power bar gel

So yeah, I should probably try to follow something similar for my next long run, and hopefully it will be just as good!!

Doing well!

I've been actually doing pretty good this past week.  I have had only one "red" day, and it really wasn't that bad.  I didn't run as much as I should have this week, but I did get out there on Wednesday, and had a nice run with my cute husband.  He of course, had to show me up, and ran 3.75 miles in the time it took me to run 2.5 miles.  And he hasn't been running for like 2 months.  Jerk ;)

Though to think about it, to have a good week, food wise, during my period is awesome.  Usually I give in, and eat a bunch of crap.  But I didn't this week.  It probably helps that I have no money to buy a bunch of junk food. 

I'm up early because I'm going to head out on my 14 mile run in about an hour.  I hope it goes well.  And I'm excited to see once I get rid of this period bloat, if I'll be back to my weight of 202 or whatever it was.  And hopefully will get under 200 lbs within the next few weeks.  I'm done with the 200's! 

14 miler coming up!

I've actually been doing a little better, lately with running on a better, regular basis.  I went running a couple of times after work last week, and while it was hard because I was tired, I'm glad I went.


I ran 4.5 miles on Saturday.  It was slow - it was hot out though.  And I'm glad that I didn't push myself so hard to run faster, just to get a better time.  I think I paced in the high 12's or low 13's, which wasn't too bad, considering how much I ended up walking because it was so hot.


But this coming weekend, I have to do 14 miles!  Yikes!  I also need to find a hill or two to train on.  There is a LONG hill on the MCM course, that is like 2 freakin miles!  I don't know what I'm going to do, as I cant think of an area around here that has a 2 mile climb. 


I'm planning on running the 14 miles on Friday, so I'll update on how it goes!  I hope to get under 3 hours for it too.  We'll see how it goes.  For 12 min/miles, its 2:48:00 and for 13 min/miles its 3:02:00.  So anything under 3 will be great!

Went running tonight!

It was hotter than I expected, which kind of sucked ;) but overall, it was a decent run.  I did 2.5 miles, but was a little slow at 31:14, but thats ok.  I wasn't there for speed, I am trying to get back into the habit of running during the week.  I've been majorly slacking with my weekly runs, so I at least have one in this week :)
So yeah, I turn 30 tomorrow.  I've been dreading this for a while now.  lol but I'm trying to look at it in a different good light, rather than I'm getting old.  My 20's basically sucked.  Obviously.  I mean, I did get up to 298 lbs, so its pretty apparent I wasn't very happy.  So I'm going into my 30's a little smaller, a little (a LOT!) happier, which I'm hoping will be the overall theme of my 30's.  I hope to make 30 my best year.  I hope to finally get to my goal weight, as well as finish my first marathon!  And I hope to start back up at school this fall too. 

I plan on going tomorrow for a birthday run after work, and hopefully it goes a little better tomorrow night! 

Pride

So yesterday, as I was laying on my bed, feeling horrible I should mention, after my run, I started to think about pride.  And why its one of the 7 deadly sins.  Not that I really believe in that, but I see why its listed.  It can get you into trouble.

According to the training guide I'm following, I needed  to run/walk 12 miles yesterday.  The day started off badly.  I had maybe 5 hours of sleep the night before - I've been dealing with 2 sick dogs, so things have just been stressful around here.  Pixie was in pain Friday night, and I stayed up with her, so she could have the heating pad most of the night.  So, I was tired Saturday morning.  I don't know what I was thinking, and only ate about 400 calories for breakfast.  I then was trying to get my play list going, and was getting frustrated with that.  I left the house an hour later than I wanted.
I finally get going around 11 am.  My goal was to finish in the 2:30 range.  It was a good goal to have, considering the time I had for the 10 mile run 2 weeks prior.  Because my husband didn't want to go with me, I had to do my 6 mile route twice. 

The first 3 miles, I did pretty good, and when I turned around, I was feeling ok too.  My right hip started to feel tight, and just sore.  I've battled this in the past when I hurt it on the treadmill a year ago.  Once in a while it'll just be sore.  I think it was because of the night before, I slept on couch for a few hours in an awkward position.  My pace for the first 6 miles was 13:20, slower than I really wanted, but overall, not too bad.  I get home and refill on my drink, and Craig asked how I was doing.  I told him that my hip was killing me, and I was tired.  He told me to stop, and just leave it at 6 miles, but I couldn't do it.  Thats where the Pride came in.  I should have stopped, I knew it.  My hip hurt and I just didn't feel good.  But I had posted on FB that I was doing 12, had posted on the MCM FB group that I was doing 12.  So I just couldn't make myself stop.  And because I had to do the same out and back again, I had almost talked myself into stopping at the 8 mile point, or the 10 mile point, but when I got to both of those turn around points, I talked myself out of stopping.  I just remembered that horrible feeling of not being able to go 3 more miles at the marathon last year, to finish, I made myself keep going. 

So yeah, I'm on my way back, and start walking, and not running at all anymore.  I knew if I did that, I wouldn't run much anymore, but I was not feeling well at all.  My hip hurt, my legs were cramping up.  I should not have posted on C that I never get leg cramps, because yesterday they were BAD!!  I ran a little, maybe .75 mile on the way back, but mostly I was walking.  Barely.  I get almost home, and I feel like I'm going to black out.  Yeah, not good at all!!  Craig was on his way home from the trails, so he rode the little bit home with me. 

Anyway, so I guess I was due for a bad long run.  The last 2 that I had before this were pretty good - I kept up with my intervals, made good time, and just felt GOOD during them.  Yesterday - felt horrible.  I was cursing myself, god, and running.  I said the f word alot too, lol.  My time was 3:01:46.  I felt even worse when I saw the time.  I was in the 15 min/mile range. 

So yeah, I learned a valuable lesson, well lessons yesterday. 
1.  Get enough sleep the night before a long run.  And if for whatever reason I cant, then I need to reschedule it.
2.  Eat my normal pre run breakfast of over 500 calories.
3.  If I need to make a new play list, make it the night before. 
4.  Get out of the house on time, not an hour late.
5.  Make Craig come with me on long runs.  I can not do laps like that anymore - mentally it makes it easy to want to quit.  And I need to know I don't have to ration out my drink like I had to yesterday.
6.  If I'm feeling hurt, or sick or not well, JUST STOP!
7.  And don't let pride get the best of me, and listen to my body, not my pride.

:) so I'm pretty sore today, but I hope to either go for a short run later or maybe a bike ride.  Oh and I'm back into the 203 range, which is good.  Just a little more and I'll be under 200!! :)

So its been a while...

since I've updated here.  Thats probably because I totally suck, and have only been running once this week.  And it was only 2.2 miles.  And it sucked balls.  I also have not been logging my food like I should be, and gained like 10 lbs because of my period, and eating out for a few days.  Ok maybe its not ten, and I know its not a real weight gain. 

I'm just tired of it.  And just need to whine, I guess.  I hate having to log my food sometimes.  I wish I didn't have to to lose weight.  I haven't felt like running either.  But the weather has not been cooperative.

But I'm turning 30 next week.  I wanted to be UNDER 200 lbs by then, but thats not going to happen.  I need to start my 30's right, and get back to running regularly, and eating right.... and it seems like I've written this a million times.

I have a million excuses too - I wasn't at home for 3 days, I've been getting out of work late, its been hot, my dog is sick, I bought a new book (well 3, and I've read 2 of them in the past 4 days), I'm tired... I could go on. 

So yeah, thats why I've been hiding... again. 

Anyway.  I'm going for a 12 mile run tomorrow.  I am excited about it. 

Nice "little" run...

Me just being a nerd before I went for my run!

Anyway, I ran/walked 10 miles today!  My goal was to be under at least 2:05:00, but I really wanted 1:59:59 or 2:00:00.  I ended up at..... 2:01:41!!!!  I was excited!  I couldnt believe how close I was, and how well I did.  It was a great day, because it was so cool, and not humid like my last long run.  My pace was about 50 seconds better today than last week when I did 9 miles.  I can only hope that the weather for the marathon is about the same as it was today.  It was perfect.

And thank you, husband, for coming with me.  I know it was uncomfortable for you, but I love you for coming with me. 

My legs are a little sore, my right leg and knee are kind of sore.  My right leg is my weak link, I swear.  Over all though, I feel good. 

I looked at my times from last year, and I did 11 miles in like 3 freakin hours.  And my pace was in the 18's.  So I am doing WAY better than last year.  I'm happy about that.  I can see the improvement when I compare my times to last year. 

I also had a good short run Thursday night - I did 2.2 miles and my pace was 11:10! 

I'm feeling pretty good - now if only I could lose 3 lbs, and be under 200 lbs for the first time in over 10 years. 

Great run today!!

Today I needed to run 9 miles.  And I did it.  I did intervals of 3:1 (3 min running, and 1 min walking) and did pretty good.  I had set a goal for myself of 1:55:00.  I didn't make it, but I did do it in 1:56:51!  Which I was pretty happy with!! 

It was so hot and humid by the time I was done, but overall, I didn't feel TOO bad.  I really tried to keep up with my intervals and not walk more than what I had set for myself.  Granted, near the end, my running was barely a run, and was super slow, but I still did it.  I did get up to 6 mph again for a little bit near home - I just wanted to be done!

I'm feeling good, and am happy.  I have a great husband who I love, who rode his bike for 9 slooooooow miles in this heat and humidity to keep me hydrated.  I would have died without him! 

I hope to really get back on track with my eating and keeping track of my calories.  I've not been doing a good job of it lately, and hope to change that today. 

I feel blessed that I can do this, and have a supportive person in my life to keep me going.  There aren't many people out there who can say that, and I feel lucky that I can.

I love running, my life, my husband, the little family that we've created together, my family, our little home, mt biking, just pretty much everything. 

Scared!

So, I've been pretty active the last few days.  I ran 4.5 miles on Friday, and had a PR for that time, and just for a long(er) run in general.  I rarely average under 12 min/miles, and I was at 11:40 or something.  And felt awesome.  And then ran again on Saturday, and was a minute slower, which was fine.


I biked today to Concord (and back ;)) and that was just under 26 miles.  It was a nice ride.  Most of it was alone, but my husband came back for me (he had rode it himself but of course much faster than me) and met me with about 5 miles to go.  Anyway, I didn't have my music, which was fine.  I listened to the wind, the birds, other people, dogs, and paid attention to the sights.  Its a beautiful ride.  I love the lakes.  I also love this plant that grows along the trail.  I have no idea what it is, its just really big leaves.  I wont tell you what it reminds me of, because its crazy. 


Anyway, as I was riding home, and my legs were tired, and I just wanted to be done, I realized that I'm going to be running 26 miles like the last weekend in September.  And then 26.2 on Oct 30th.  And it freaked me out a little.  I was struggling with tired legs just BIKING it, how the heck am I going to run/walk it then?  I have enough time to follow the training program exactly, and other than not being consistent with my weekly runs, I'm not doing too bad.  But I'm scared!  I know I need to get better on getting in my runs during the week.  I really only NEED to do two, and 3 or 4 is not out of the question. 


So yeah, I'm questioning my sanity at this point, and my ability.  I don't know if I can do it.  I know I can do 23.75.  It would take losing a leg to not at least get to THAT point again.  But I'm just scared.  I still have so much weight to lose, and I know it will be easier if I'm much lighter.  I need to get that part of this in check too! 


I can do this, right???

Just Perfect!

I had an awesome run today.  Just perfect.  I felt great during it, and was smiling and just had FUN.  I love it.  I love running.  I love how it makes me feel.  I could smell the flowers, hear the birds, and just enjoyed being outside.  I know the sun wasn't out and it was a little cold, but thats ok.  It was still nice to get outside and have fun.  I did 4.5 in 52:42, which is like my best time ever.  Under 12 min miles.  I looked at the first time I did that same route, back in 2009.  And it took me 1:10:00.  I've improved by almost 18 mins.  Thats pretty good right???


I've been struggling a bit.  I know, when am I NOT struggling?  Its an everyday thing lately, it seems like.  But I'm back up in the 209's.  I know its mostly just water weight and bloating, but its still there, and its because I ate badly for a week or so, and didn't work out.  So my run today re focused me, and really made me think.  I need to let go of something, really let go, and move on, to get under 200 lbs.  I know what it is, and I know I've moved on, moved forward and forgive myself.  But maybe not, because I'm getting close, and something inside me keeps sabotaging me.  I don't know if its related to that or not.  It seems like it is though.  Or maybe not. 


And also, I'm weird, and I will Survive came on during my run:

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me


Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore...

 and I felt like I was singing (yes I will sing when I'm out running ;)) that part to my inner fat girl who keeps coming back!  I really want her to know that I don't want her around anymore!  :) Hey, sometimes silly thoughts like that will get you through a run, and keep you moving! :)


Anyway, I plan to stay on track, and exercise my butt off, literally, this weekend.  I feel so so so so good right now.  I wish I could share some of this good feeling with anyone who needs it. 

What I've learned...

I was thinking today while riding my bike, about what I've learned about myself, life, weight loss, and exercising since I hit my highest weight about 4.5 years ago.  And I've learned a lot!


1. I love to run.  Who knew? 
2. I love working out with my husband
3. I like vegetables.  Like peppers, asparagus, green beans, beans, peas and others
4. Making it up a hill on a trail, on a mt bike makes you feel like you can do anything
5. Running 5 miles is a short, fun run now
6. You can be beautiful and healthy at ANY weight and size
7. My husband made me feel beautiful at every weight I've been since we've met
8. My husband is hot.  He's always been attractive, but he looks sooo good now!
9. Portioning out food is NOT that hard.  Once you start doing it, it becomes 2nd nature
10. I can eye ball a serving of PB within a few grams (that one I learned yesterday!)
11. Beautiful days should not be wasted indoors
12. I love to be outside, in nature. 
13. I still hate all bugs, and mayflies still freak me out
14. All this hard work is so worth it - because of how it makes me feel (and looking good is a plus too!)
15. I can run/walk 23.75 miles and not die, and I hope to make that 26.2 this year!
16. I love to see other people outside being active in my very unhealthy city
17. I am still lazy, but at least most of the time I'm lazy AFTER I get some sort of activity in
18. I still have a big ass
19. Being active with my husband has brought us closer together
20. My husband gets as excited as I do when I reach my goals
21. I love to see my husband reach HIS goals
22. Krogert Carbmaster is the best yogurt in the world
23. Cute work out clothes help
24. Having "mortons toe" sucks when you're a runner. 
25. Toenails take about a year to grow back completely if you lose the whole thing
26.  I still scream like a girl if a bee flies into my face (lol did that one yesterday on a trail ;))
27. Life is much easier when you love yourself
28. Life is much easier at 203 lbs than at 298 lbs
29. Life is much easier when you forgive yourself for past mistakes
30. Its better to deal with feelings rather than eat them (I'm still working on that one!)
31. A good sports bra is a MUST!
32. I like not having children, and I like my life
33. Being a hoarder has its advantages, if you save clothes, and lose weight.
34. Owning a food scale is so important
35. Imodium D is a runners best friend at times!

... Thats all that comes to mind at the moment. 

THIS is why I run

This awesome feeling after a great run.  I did 7.5 miles today, and while it was slower than I had really wanted, I felt great during, and after.  I haven't run since last Friday (which is why I haven't posted anything recently) and was nervous to go such a long distance, when its been so long.


Anyway, it was beautiful out - the sun was out, and everything was great.  I did run out of Gatorade on my way home, so I could tell I was getting dehydrated, but other than that, it was nice!  I really didn't have that feeling of WHEN is this going to be over, which was good. 


Anyway, I feel really REALLY good, and am about to go mt biking with my cute husband! :)  I'll try to write more later tonight!

Good run/Bad Run

Earlier this week I had a great run.  I did 2.2 miles in 24:33, or something like that.  It was my fastest time for 2 miles, I averaged 11:07 min/miles.  That was great. 

Today, I was supposed to only do 3 miles, but planned on going 4.5.  I ended up doing 4, and it was hard!  It was hot and humid out, and I had only had a couple hundred calories prior to it.  I had to fast for some blood work, so I had 2 pieces of hard candy and half a clif bar a little before I left for my run.  I also had a horrible cramp.  I didn't wait long enough after eating to go.  Oh well.  I averaged just over 13/min miles.  Which I guess is still faster than I was 2 years ago, or even last year.  But it was beautiful out - just a little TOO warm. 

The lilacs smelled so pretty.  The sun felt awesome on my skin.  The breeze was perfect.  So maybe it wasn't such a bad run today. 

Oh and I'm down to 203.2 lbs.  I dont even remember the last time I weighed this close to 200.  I do know I weighed 199 on 7/29/00.   So yeah, its been a LONG time!

Elitist Attitudes...

...Suck.  And its awful in the running community.  If you aren't as fast or as thin as the typical runner, you're not a runner.  If you cant go long distances, you're not a runner.  The looks I've gotten, the comments I've received - I'm surprised I still run.  Read any running message board or article, and the comments are horrible and mean about slow or overweight runners.  And even on my calorie counting website - this stupid woman was so mean and condescending to me.  It actually makes me want to stop using that website and log elsewhere. 

Well ya know what I think?  F*ck 'em.  I don't care.  I don't care that I'm fat, and that I'm slow.  I don't care that I may not be able to go 26.2 miles.  I don't care that THEY don't like the way I look in my running gear.  I don't care that I run 12:00 to 12:30 min miles, and because of that they don't consider me a runner. 

I'm fat, I'm slow and guess what people?!?  I'm a RUNNER!  Thats right, I'm going to spoil your sport by lugging my fat ass outside and running slow, and by RUNNING in the MCM.

Yesterday was a NON fat day!

Everyone has "fat" days - sometimes from period bloat, or whatever, and they suck.  Nothing fits right - everything is too tight, and you just want to stay in bed with a pair of pj pants and a t shirt.  I hate those days!  You just feel like your body is all wrong, and you hate it.  Or at least I do.  Granted I don't get those days often anymore, but every once in awhile I do.

Anyway, yesterday was a NON fat day!  I just did not feel fat at all.  I know I still am, but I just didn't feel it yesterday.  Nothing was too tight on me, capris I bought last year that were too small, are now a tad too big, and I wore them yesterday.  But it was more than just the clothes too.  I just did not feel fat anymore.  I think maybe my head is catching up more with my body.  I mean, I can look at myself, and know that I've lost weight, but its hard to see it and FEEL it sometimes.  Which is why I get obsessive a bit with taking pictures - because then I can put them side by side and really SEE it. 

So yay for non fat day yesterday!

AND! I saw Thumbs up Running dude for the first time this season.  And it totally made my run that much better! :)

Don't doubt yourself

Thats what my husband told me before I left for my 6 mile run.  I told him I wanted to run my 6 miles in 1:10:00.  I didn't, but I kept repeating that to myself as I was out there today. 
I did do 6 miles in 1:16:09, which is totally awesome.  Thats around 12:37 pace, which is good! 

I was looking at some of my training runs last year, for the Bayshore marathon, and I've improved a lot.  I did a 5 mile run in Jan 2010, and I did it in 1:15:00.  I can now do 5 miles in about an hour.  I did get it under an hour once too :) So I'm doing much better. 
I'm feeling good too, today.  I'm not tired or sore (other than the soreness I had prior to my run) and overall just feel GOOD.  I also was able to sleep in a bit, which helped too. 

It was beautiful out - the sun was out, the temp was perfect, there was a breeze, the scent of freshly cut grass.  I saw a few trilliums, and was tempted to pick them, but of course didn't, and just took a picture instead!

Just a short one!

I had a nice little run this evening after work.  It was a beautiful night - though it seems like October, and not May.  I did 2.2 miles, and did it in 25:57.  I'm pretty sure that is my fastest time, which is awes.  My pace was 11:47 - which is great!! :) I love that I'm getting into the 11's!  I remember when I was happy about a run that was more than a mile, and was averaging 15's.  I'm slowly getting better.

My ankle is sore - I have stupid weak bad ankles, and my legs are sore.  I think I'm taking tomorrow off, so I can do my 6 mile run Friday morning.  But if its nice tomorrow, it'll be hard not to get out there and do something. 

I don't really have much else to write about.  Other than I have cute dogs, and a cute husband. 

Oh I cant wait to go to sleep tonight - my husband washed the bedding and made the bed.  I love clean bedding! :)

Better food = better mood

I'm feeling better today.  I'm back on track with my eating, and went for a bike ride today with my husband.  Well he ran, and I rode my bike.  We went over 13 miles!  He did great!

As we were out there, I was thinking about my first bike ride almost 2 years ago, and how hard it was to go 4.5 miles, and I wanted to die after that.  And I did 13.5 today, and it was nothing.  I was going slow, for bike riding, but my husband was doing great!  I think he was running 8:30/mile, which is awesome. 

Anyway, I had a healthy good breakfast, and a healthy lunch, and just feel better.  I'm tired though because my jerk dogs didn't let me sleep in this morning like I wanted to.  :) I'm going to shower, do the dishes, and then maybe give myself a manicure, and then maybe later take a hot bath, and give myself a clay mask :) That sounds like the perfect way to spend my Saturday night, since Craig will be spending his doing nothing on the couch :)

Struggling...

...and I hate it.  And I hate talking about it.  Which is why I haven't been writing.  I did get in my two half hour training runs, which was good.  But thats really all I can say about this week that was good.  The rest of it - not so much.  Thats ALL the exercise I did.  I haven't logged my food consistently for a couple of weeks.  The reason - not eating right.  Eating pizza, nachos, and cookies and just other junk.  I've gained 5 lbs.  I'm back up to 210.  I know most of it is bloating, so I'm not worried that I really gained 5 lbs.

I just hate when I'm doing good, and am in a good place, something holds me back.  I don't know why.  I was at 93 lbs lost.  So close to being under 200 for the first time in 11 years, and close to losing 100 lbs. 

The only thing thats good, is I always come back to it.  I logged my food yesterday, went running, and just over all did better.  I was over my "weight loss" calories, but was under my "weight maintenance" calories, which was good. 

My run was HARD yesterday.  I did 2.5 miles in 29:54.  The time wasn't bad, but it was just physically hard for me. I felt like I couldn't breathe, my legs were sore.  My ankles and shins were tired.  I know it was because of the shoes I wore yesterday at work.  There was an old Grandma there walking - and when I came up behind her, she started running.  Well, there was NO way I was going to let this 70+ year old woman run faster than me - so lol, I pushed it a little harder, and got a head of her, and wouldn't let myself walk, because I didn't want to be passed by her ;) lol. 

Anyway.  I'm ending this month better than the past few weeks have been.  I plan on starting May off the right way.  I need to get in more exercise each week, other than my 2 weekly runs, and my long run on the weekends.  I want to get in a couple of bike rides, weather permitting.  I also really NEED to start doing some sort of strength training.  So I guess back to work out DVDs once or twice a week.  There is no excuse for me being this lazy.

I'm a different person

I look at that above picture, and its hard to explain how I feel. I know I'm not at the end of this WL journey that started over 4 years ago, I still have 50 or so more pounds to lose, but this picture just really highlights the changes I've made. I was so unhappy in that first picture. Unhappy with just everything about myself. I hated the way I looked, and hated how fat I had gotten, how I felt, just everything. I was 298 lbs in that picture. And I felt it. Now, at 205, I just feel so much better. I'm lighter, physically, and emotionally too. And I think it just shows in that picture. I had my hair cut on Friday, and I love it. I love that someone actually just did what they thought would look good, and it does. I am so happy that all of that hair is gone!  Look at my neck!  I have a neck!  I have collar bones! :)  My eyes aren't hidden by the fat in my cheeks anymore. 


I've had a pretty good week. I didn't get in both of my half hour training runs, but did get one in on Thursday afternoon. It was a beautiful afternoon, and I'm glad I was able to run outside. I did 2.5 miles under a half hour. Which was great!


Yesterday was my long run of the week. 5 miles. I decided to run at the park again, since it was so nice out. I'm supposed to be doing my long runs according the the training guide I'm following, which means I'm supposed to be doing run/walk intervals at set times through out the run.  I decided to ditch that yesterday and try to make my goal of running 5 miles in under an hour.  I've been trying to do that for MONTHS now.  I think the closest I got was just over one hour in the past.  But I was hyped up on caffeine yesterday, and decided to try again.  I walked for the first 4 mins, but then ran the rest of the way.  On the last lap, my husband (who had already finished HIS five miles in under 40 mins - jerk ;)) joined me about halfway around the loop.  By that point I just wanted to take a walking break, but I knew if I did, I would not make it.  He helped me and pushed me and encouraged me to keep running.  We ran the last bit together, and I sprinted as best as I could to the end - and stopped my watch.


59:24!!!!!!!!!


I finally did it!  I love that my husband was there with me, and ran it in with me.  He's been so encouraging through out this whole thing, and I'm thankful for that. 


I feel like my outside, with my new hair cut, now matches how I feel inside.  I feel so good, and happy.  And that hair was weighing me down.  I'm reaching my goals, and thats awesome. 


My new goal?  10 miles in under 2 hours.  Oh and of course, finishing the marathon in October!

Wind

I had a nice run this afternoon.  I havent gone running for several days, so it was nice to get outside and enjoy nature.  My mp3 player died after one song, so I ran without music.  I did my 2nd long run, and did 4.5 miles.  I only needed to do 4, but I dont have a 4 mile route planned out around my house. 

I listened to the wind blowing through the trees, heard branches creaking from the wind.  I heard birds chirping, and fighting with each other.  I saw a hawk flying around, a couple of times, and it was carrying something it planned to eat later.  The sun was out, and it was nice to feel it on my face. 

I thought about things that have been bothering me the past couple of days.  And I came to the conclusion that people are jerks sometimes.  There is nothing I can do about it, and I dont know why I let stupid things bother me so much.  I am happy with how my life is, and I just need to remember that.  And not let stupid comments bother me and make me question my decsions and my life. 

With how windy it was today, I remembered when Erika went running last year, and was almost hit with half a tree, lol. 

I had a pretty good weekend, overall.  Yesterday I was able to sleep in until 9:30, and then spent the day reading.  It was cold and rainy most of yesterday, so it was the perfect way to spend a Saturday.   Today was equally as lazy, but at least I did get out an run :)

I've been struggling with my eating - I've been junk non stop for a few days.  Well, not NON stop, I had a few decent meals here and here.  But I need to get back on track, I want to be under 200 by the middle of May.  I'm done with being in the 200's. 

I need to go take a shower.  And my husband needs to stop watching Waterworld.  There is a reason it was like the biggest bomb of all time ;) And thats probably the reason its on ION. 

Ever have just an ordinary day that makes your heart happy?

Thats the type of day I had today. I don't know why, I didn't do anything special. In fact, I did my least favorite thing today. I cleaned the house. I hate cleaning! It was a beautiful day out. I had the windows open, the sun was shining. I danced and sang while I cleaned, and just had a nice day. I ended the afternoon by going for a short run. 2.2 miles in 26:42. It was hot! But the breeze and the sun felt nice.

My husband was cracking me up this evening, and my dogs had "happy tails" :) They've learned the sound of laughter and always react happy to it.

We're healthy, happy, have food in our cupboards, and a roof (although crappy) over our heads. The dogs are doing well, and we're hopeful that the injections Pixie started will help with her back. I was able to sit on the couch with my legs crossed! :) The sun was shining, and it was over 80 degrees. Craig helped clean up the trails, and met someone who my Mom met at the restaurant where she works, in Traverse City. The dogs enjoyed the sunshine too, and I had Pixie chasing a stick out in the yard. Cocoa laid in the sun :) I listened to my two new favorite songs on repeat for like an hour or so, and then listened to them on my run.  

And I've lost .4 lbs this week.  207.4! 

I know that our roof is not in good shape right now, but I'm just happy about everything else, that its not worrying me. We'll get it fixed, some how.

Looking good girl!

:) Thats what my neighbor said to me as I walked, then ran past his house this morning on my first official "long" run of training.  It made me smile, because yes, I am looking, and FEELING good, and to be called girl at my age :)

So I ran 3.2 miles today, and did it on the bike path, and the mile loop around my house.  I would have rather been at the park, but in an effort to conserve gas I stayed around here.  I'd ride my bike up to the park, but they dont have a bike rack where I could lock my bike up while I ran.  They really need one. 

It was a nice run, it was still cloudy and kind of cold when I went, but overall, it wasnt too bad.  I did it in 39:20, which equals a 12:14 pace.  Which, is pretty awesome, considering I ran/walked at a 2:1 ratio.  I didnt run fast when I was running, just a steady pace.  I didnt want this to become speed work.  I want to follow the book exactly this time.  I just need to re read it again.  I'm following Jeff Galloway's training guide.  At least this time I have enough time to follow it exactly, and the first few long runs are "easy" for me, since I know I can run those distances. 

I also went mt biking today, and made up "my" hills.  It took me two tries on the first one, and I made it up the 2nd, more difficult hill in one try.  Well, I made it to the top, but had to stop because I was running into a tree.  But I did make it up.  :) I'm so NOT coordinated, its almost dangerous for me to mt bike.  But its so much fun!  I did not fall, which is good for my first time out, however I did hit a root, and slammed a personal area into the stem of the bike.  It didnt feel good!

First Official Training Run!

I did it on Tuesday.  It was my first half hour run for the week, and I need to get at least one more in (probably tomorrow AM) and then my long run this weekend.  

I did it on the treadmill because the weather continues to be crappy.  I'm so tired of it!  I love running outside, and am just tired of the treadmill.  It was a decent run.  2.5 miles in 31:10. 

This weather is just getting to me.  I havent been eating right, and dont really care. Which is ok some of the time, but not like half the week.  Hopefully this weekend will be the turning point, and I'll be able to get outside more often.  And be more into eating well, and exercising and running regularly.  I did buy a bunch of fruit this week, so that should help.  I think I bought 4 lbs of apples, and 8 lbs of oranges!  Yum! 

My long run for this week is 3 miles, which is good.  I love that I can look at a 3 mile run, and think that its short.  :)

My pants are falling off! :)

But thats a good thing!  I put on the biggest pair of pants I've ever bought today.  I bought them for a work Christmas party in Dec 2006.  I remember how frustrated I was when I was shopping that day.  I went to every store in our city that carries plus sized clothing.  Nothing fit.  Everything only went up to a 24, and I had convinced myself it was because everything was running small.  It wasnt that my big ass was a size 26, oh no ;)  I refused to buy a 26, but it didnt matter because I couldnt even FIND anything in a 26.  It was an awful day. 

I finally found a pair of size 24 pants that I could put on if I sucked it in.  I've put them on various times over the past 4 years, but they have NEVER fallen off me.  They would get stuck on my stomach or my ass.  Not today!  Today I pulled them on, and they promptly fell off.  They wouldnt even stay on at ALL!

:) Big smiles!!  I just remember that day and how awful I felt, and how frustrated I was, and how much in deinal I was.  I can almost fit in one of the legs!  I cant even remember what I looked like then, and when I put those pants on, I cant even picture what I looked like to fill them out.  But I DID fill them out, thats for sure. 

I remember how I felt that day, shopping, and in that time of my life.  I'm no longer that person, physically or mentally.  That person coudlnt look in the mirror, and say something nice about herself, and that person wouldnt have run A mile, let alone train for a marathon. 

What do thunderstorms and ice pellet/hail storms have in common?

They have the ability to get me to run faster! :) I've been running in a thunderstorm (last summer), and when I saw lighting and was about a mile away from home, I did run that mile a little faster than I would have.  Yesterday was the hail/ice pellet storm.  I went for a run at the park, and planned on doing 5 miles.  It started off fairly nice.  It was cloudy but the sun started to peak out and I was able to take off my jacket, and was comfortable.  On the last lap it started to get a little colder, and then it started to rain/snow little ice pellets the size of bb's.  They hurt when they hit!  I was laughing though, and enjoying it :) But I just wanted to be done, get into the warm car, and get home to eat lunch.  I was able to push myself a little bit near the end, and finished the 5 miles in 1:01:24.  My fastest 5 mile run yet, and if not for the cramp I had for the last 2 laps, and the few mins of walking I had to do, I think I could have been under 1 hour.  But next time! 


But it was a great run.  Despite the weather.  It smelled like spring, the birds were out, the ducks were swimming, the geese were pissy :)

I've lost 90.2 lbs!

How crazy is that?  Its crazy that I let myself get to the point that losing that much weight was necesary, but when I was at my lowest point and my highest weight, I never thought I'd ever be this close to getting under 200 lbs, and almost 100 lbs lost.  I'm at 207.8 this morning.  Yay! :) And just think had I actually worked out this week, and not had 3 red days in a row, I'm sure I would have lost even more. 

But thats ok.  This past week was my last week to be lazy.  Technically I need to start training this coming week.  I need to get in at least 2 half hour runs, and then have my long runs on Saturdays.  At least the first long run is only 3 miles ;) I think I can handle that. 

I am also proud of myself that yesterday was a stressful sad day for me.  I had to rush my little Pixie to the vet, and found out she has back problems.  I was waiting all day for the vet to call me, and would have gone running, but was afraid I'd be a few miles from home when they called, and I would need to get there right away.  But you know - I didnt stress eat.  I didnt.  Often times I will, and I didnt yesterday.  I'm happy about that.  I stayed within my calories. 

I know there are times when I get frustrated with myself because I feel like I should be done already.  I should have lost more weight faster, and be at my goal weight/size by now.  I mean, I hit 298 at the end of 2006.  Its 2011.  But I'm keeping it off.  And I guess thats what really matters.  I have to remind myself its not a race or comeptition.  It doesnt matter how fast others lose weight.  This is working.  And I've learned so much about myself, and am learning how to work through my food struggles, and beat them.  I'm learning to seperate food and feelings.  I no longer call high calorie/junk food days "bad" days.  They're just "red" days.  I dont want to associate food with "bad" feelings, or feeling guilty anymore. 

Anyway, I'm feeling really good, and can now see the end in sight, and am only 8.8 lbs away from being under 200.  No longer is it 99 lbs away.  I now only have about 40 to 50 more lbs to lose, not over 130 lbs.  I've gone from a size 26 (but refused to buy ;)) to a size 16.  My goal is a size 10/12.  I'm almost there!

Just some thoughts...

So, I've been having a difficult week.  I had 3 red days in a row, and one of them was like SUPER red.  I've been really exhausted all week, and I'm not sure why.  It might be because I wasnt as active as I should have been.  I did run Wednesday after work, and it was a decent run.  I went to the park, and did 2.5 miles, and did it in 29:42 or something.  It was my fastest 2.5 miles.  I was wheezing though, it was hard to breathe.

I plan to run today, tomorrow and Sunday.  And maybe go for a bike ride. 

A recent comment at a message board I visit has just had me thinking.  I cant quote exactly, but basically this person said that being fat was a turn off for her, because it grosses her out to think about the sexual aspect.  I totally understand that not everyone is attracted to everyone.  But its amazing how people can still say things that ARE hurtful to so many about fat being gross and disgusting.  If you were to insert race into her comment, it wouldnt be accpetable to say.  But its still acceptable to belittle, bully and make fun of fat people.  I wonder when that will change.  If it WILL ever change. 

I'm still fat.  I'm just less fat than I was.  But because I'm fat, doesnt mean that I'm not a hot, sexy, beautiful woman.  I am.  Inside AND out.  I'm just sorry that comments like this hurt other people.  It doesnt hurt me really anymore because I dont see fat as being bad anymore.  It just is.  Some people are fat, some people are not.  It doesnt say anything about the character of the person.  Its just a word to describe how a person looks. 

I did it

I really didnt want to run today - I was starving for some reason, and my leg was (is!) still sore and tight feeling.  But I figured something is better than nothing.  And I do feel better now.  I did 2.5 miles in 31:41.  Not too bad considering I didnt really bump it up to 5 mph and higher consistantly until 20 mins in.  The back of my left thigh is just really tight feeling.  It got a little better as the time went by, and after I ran I did stretch a little and that seemed to help.

But I did it, I got my run in today, and thats what matters.  They all arent going to be pretty, fun and thought provoking.  That what today was - just a run.  Nothing special. 

I did have a crazy dream about running a marathon last night.  I showed up unprepared, no food, no water, nothing.  And I was always running behind - and for some reason we had to stop in the middle of it to eat Thanksgiving dinner.  But I did run the first 6 miles in 58  mins or something.  So lol that was cool.  It was crazy.

Finished the week right!!

I'm feeling sooo good!  I was able to run my butt off and get my fastest 5 miles ever!  1:02:00!!  I'm almost there - to 5 miles in under an hour!  That has been my goal for a while now, and I cant believe I'm almost there.  I remember the first time I went 4.5 miles, and wanted to die after, and it took me like 1:05:00 or 1:15:00 I don't remember.  Anyway, I just remember it was hard, and sucked, and I couldn't do anything after.  Right now, other than some soreness in my left hamstring, I feel awesome.  I'm not tired at all!  It was exactly what I needed after this craptastic week. 

It was period week.  So I was exhausted, but managed to stay with in my calories, even with eating McDonald's for breakfast on Wednesday.  Until Thursday, that is.  Stupid pizza and mozzarella sticks!  And stupid me for buying it.  I really could have resisted.  I was doing soo well.  I had not had a red day in 2 weeks, and then I ate a whole frozen pizza Thursday night.  I decided to log it, and I ate almost 4000 calories for the day.  Ooops!  But whatever.  I don't eat like that all the time, and I no longer feel guilty for what I eat.  I've really tried to stop associating feelings with eating and food.  I'll try to make it 3 weeks without having a red day, and beat my 2 week record :) I didn't reach my exercise goal, but did about 70% of it.  Its like 4.5 hours of moderate exercise for almost 3000 calories burned.  70% is pretty good for this week. 

I have one more week to laze around ;) before I begin my official training for the Marine Corps Marathon!! :)

And why oh why did I not start running until I was 27???  Seriously, I should have started this like 15 years ago. 

Note to Self: Try to not listen to emotional songs while running...

When its certain times of the month.  I almost started crying when listing to Fuckin Perfect by P!nk.  I love that song. 

You’re so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you’ll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It’s enough
I’ve done all i can think of
Chased down all my demons
see you same

I just was thinking of how it used to be for myself, and how I used to talk to myself like that.  I was so mean to myself.  And was thinking of all of the people out there who do the same.  Who cant see their beauty.  Your weight doesn't define you, your life, your self worth, your beauty. 

Think about it - why would you do something good for yourself, if you're constantly telling yourself how worthless, ugly and horrible you are?  I remember thinking I didn't deserve to feel good about myself, and that I deserved to feel like shit all the time.  Most of that goes back to "IT" but not all of it.  As soon as I changed my internal thinking - losing weight became that much easier.  I still struggle at times, but not nearly like I used to.  Because I know that I'm worth this good feeling.  I love how running brings out these feelings!!

You're awesome as you are!  Actually, you're Perfect, fuckin' perfect! :)

No Energy!

I have no energy this week to do anything.  I havent ran since Sunday.  That time of the month is always so hard for me.  Endometriosis aside, it just saps all of my energy.  Nothing helps - I've tried it all! :) I did just take two Excedrin and that has caffine in it.  We'll see if that gives me enough of a buzz to get on the treadmill in a little bit for a few miles.  I need to run.  I'm stressing over things and just need to get that out of me.  I hate being stressed.  And being stressed about money sucks even more.

I ate McDonalds this morning.  It was good, but god, 150 calories for a small orange juice?  Now I remember why I dont drink my calories!  I'd rather eat 'em.  The McGriddle was worth the 420 calories ;) but that'll be my last fastfood meal for a while, I'm sure.  I had a delicious healthy lunch, and will have a healthy dinner too. 

Ok, off to mess with my play list, and then to run, and then wash the dishes!

Great Run This Morning!

I went on a 4.2 mile run this morning, and it was nice!  It was a little chili to begin with, but once we started it warmed up and was pleasant.  I ran pretty much the whole thing, which was nice.  I can and have run 5 miles without walking (well other than the 5 min warm up walk I do sometimes) but I dont always push myself to keep running.  It helps to have a great running partner!!  I'm excited for Spring to get here and STAY here. 

I'm excited to start training, and it will officially begin in 2 weeks. 

I'm feeling really good!

Great Week!

I had a really good week, this week.  I meant to write more, but just didnt seem to make the time to do it.

I was active, and rode my bike, walked and ran a couple of times.  I even hauled my ass out of bed at 5:30 am to run 5k on the treadmill.  That was on on Wednesday.  I also walked on my lunch that day, and rode my bike for 10 miles that evening.  It was nice!  I love having a friend who likes to do active things - it keeps me going!

I ran last night after work.  It was 70 freakin degrees yesterday!  I did 2.5 miles at the park, and felt really good.  There are times where I'm still surprsied at the fact that I'm doing all of this.  And do it outside and in public.  The park was sooo busy last night (I loved seeing all the dogs!) and I did not feel a bit self concious.  I used to be so self concious to just go to the store, let alone exercise outside.  I loved feeling the sun, and the wind on my skin.

Today I ran just 1.25 miles.  It was still a beautiful day, not as warm as yesterday, but still nice.  I'm still having my breathing issues, and completely forgot to call and make an appointment with my Dr.  I should have a full physical anyway, and will talk about possibly getting an inhalor. 

Oh and BTW..... 209.6 lbs!! :) 10 more lbs and I'll be under 200!  Yay!  I'm afraid I'll cry, and I'm afraid I wont! But to think the last time I know for sure I was 199, was THAT day.  It'll be nice to finally put all of that behind me. 

I promise to write more this coming week.  I plan to bike tomorrow, and maybe run.  And then do a longerish run on Sunday.

Its just too cold!

I rode my bike outside again today - it was freezing!  I'm ready for spring!  I did about 11 miles in an hour.  Slower than yesterday, but at least I got out there.  I may do a work out DVD later.   Or maybe not ;)

I plan on running tomorrow morning before work, since I work 11 to 7. 

Oh and can I say I HATE when we have to set our clocks a head an hour?  It should be done on a weekday in the middle of the day.  Not early Sunday morning.

And I lost .5 lb this week.  Or something like that.  At least it was something, right?  I exercised, but I just didn't eat as well as I could have (remember the pizza post???)  This week - I hope to be better, and hope to get under 210.  I'm at 211.4.  Even if its 209.8, I'll take it! :)

Wait, was that a whip?!?!

So I had a nice bike ride today.  I ended up riding just about 15.5 miles.  It was beautiful when I started out - the sun was out, birds were chirping, the sky was clear blue.  And then it got cold and windy, and cloudy!  I'm glad I was with two other people, as I would have wimped out at like 2 miles once the sun was gone!  I went with my friend, and then met someone new!  So yay!  Exercising outside, and then joining the outdoor group that E made is really helping me meet people in this area.  We saw this guy on the trail who may have been carrying a whip.  Why, I have no idea, but its Jackson.  You see weird shit sometimes.  It was hilarious though.

I did see the mean Asian lady walking her dog on the path.  Shes not really mean, she just always looks mad to be out walking her dog.  I hope to see thumbs up running dude soon - because that'll mean its Spring, and I'm out running on the bike path. 

I was supposed to run after with them, but my toes were cold, and my leg was doing that weird crampy thing it does.  It seems to do it more in the cold weather.  Its still kind of cramping up, so I'm glad I ended up not running, in that sense.  I'm way wimpier this year than I was last year.  I ran outside way more in the winter, but then maybe it wasn't as cold as it was this year. 

I'm just so ready for spring!

I resisted the chocolate cake, but not the pizza!

But I resisted the chocolate cake twice!  I was so proud of myself on Thursday.  My co worker's bday was the day before, and there was a chocolate cake, with chocolate frosting, and chocolate chips on top.  Yeah.  It looked really good.  But I resisted. 

I then came home to my husband who tried to cook dinner, and it was crazy!  He put a pork loin with bbq sauce in a bowl of water.  And then put ramen noodle around and on top of the pork loin.  It made no sense to me.  And then the top part of the ramen didn't even get soft - that browned and roasted and stayed hard.  It was not good.  lol, but he tried right?  Well, we ended up getting pizza.  And I had 4 pieces.  Pizza is like the one food I would eat all day, everyday if it were possible.  I can eat a ton of pizza.  At my highest, I used to eat a whole pizza myself.  I could still do it, but I don't.  So yeah.  Thursday - no exercise and 4 pieces of pizza.  Oh and 4 cookies.  Not good.

Today - much better!  I resisted the cake (again!) and am only around 1600 calories for the day.  Much better than the yesterday, and I can still have a snack.

I also went running outside tonight!  It was such a beautiful afternoon, I'm so glad I went.  I went running with my friend, so that made it that much better.  I still breathe like crap outside, but overall, it was a nice run.  We finished 2.5 miles in 30 mins, which is good for me!!  The sun was out, the geese were back, it was 40 degrees - perfect.  I could have done without the wind, but I can forgive Mother Nature for that. 

No more pizza.  Or at least not for a month or so. 

I just went outside in the craziest outfit ever....

And I don't care :) Which says a lot about how much I've changed over the past few years.  I haven't showered or changed yet after my awesome run (I'll get to that in a minute) so I was still wearing my spandex knee length black running shorts.  These are like the best running shorts ever.  And I don't care if fat ladies aren't supposed to wear spandex.  I do.  While running.  Anyway, I have those on, and then put on my fleece jacket.  I have on white socks, and then put on brown ankle boots.  Ok, so I was only in my back yard letting my dogs outside, but still it looked crazy. 


When I was planning my run, I planned to go 5 miles.  When I got on the treadmill, I really did want to go 5 miles, and wanted to quit at either 2.5 or maybe 5k.  I'm tired of the treadmill.  I want spring and want to get outside.  But I cant use that as an excuse to shorten my runs.  So thankfully the music that I had on kept me going today.  I have so many favorite running songs, and these songs, specifically these lines, kept me inspired to keep running.

Success is my only motherfucking option, failure's not - Lose Yourself, Eminem

...always waiting on someone else to fix you, tell me when did you forget? It's your life...... - It's Your Life, Francesca Battistelli

But in the end you'll see
YOU-WON'T-STOP-ME
I am a fighter and I
I ain't gonna stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough - Fighter, Christina Aguilera

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out  Please don't give in, I won't let you down - Whataya Want From Me, Adam Lambert

I really wanted to start walking near the end, but didn't.  And because of that, I had a PR for 5 miles.  I didn't realize that this was the best I've done, but I looked back at my old times, and it was.  I ran 5 miles in 1:02:51.  My goal is to get 5 miles under an hour.  I'm so close!  I also hope that I'll be able to run the marathon at that pace, 12 min/miles.  Of course, I'd take faster, but I think thats a good goal to work toward. 

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good.  I had a great run.  I just now need to shower, and get dressed and go shopping.  I hope to go jean shopping too, and find a pair that actually fits.  I am in between sizes or something, and cant find anything that fits my crazy body right.