A letter

Dear Jackson,

Let me introduce myself. My name is Liz. And I'm a runner. I love running outside and have been running since 2009. And I'm fat.

Apparently those 4 things (a fat female runner who runs outside) make me a target for (mostly young guys) to yell things at me while I run. They have yelled things that are *supposed* to be mean. I’ve been laughed at and honked at.

I feel sorry for you. Sorry that you think it's acceptable to be mean to someone and someone you don't even know. Someone who is doing something maybe you're afraid of doing. You seem to think that a person's worth is tied to their weight. I'm glad that I live my life differently. My self-worth is not based on the numbers on the scale. I am a happy, kind, loving, beautiful awesome person who is a wife, mother to two dogs, super awesome aunt to 5 wonderful kids, a daughter, sister, cousin, niece, granddaughter and friend.  I am a person who gets told almost daily by people that I inspire them, that they are proud of me. Can the people in your life say the same? Would they say the same if they knew you were yelling nasty things to and laughing at a complete stranger? Would you say that to your daughter, mother, sister or loved one? Would you want someone doing that to you or your family member?

I'm not exactly sure what your goal is by yelling or laughing at me. But let me tell you a few things about myself. I have run in 2 marathons, finished the Marine Corps Marathon with my Dad and have run 2 half marathons.  I have run with an injured knee, calf pain, hamstring pain, horrible endometriosis cramps, diarrhea and bleeding toes (did that today...). I've lost toenails, have been sunburned, wind burned and have had frostbite. I've run in the cold, in the heat, the rain and the snow. Remember some of those snow storms this past winter? I went running in that. Remember those really hot summer days we've had? I was out there running. I've run while happy. I've gone running while anxious and worried and have run through grief. I run for a little boy who has chILD who can't run. I go running even when I don't want to sometimes. I've run with only a few hours of sleep. I've cried while running. I’ve cried because I was so happy and proud of myself. Cried because I was out there running for those have been lost.

And through all of that, I've had to deal with people trying to take that away from me. Even if all of my accomplishments with running hadn't happened and it was my first day running, I don't deserve your nastiness in my life. Or even if I was just out there, living my life.  NO ONE DOES!!

I went through many many years of horrible depression. I survived it. I came out of it and started running. Running gave me my life back. I became a better, happier, healthier and more awesome person.

If your goal is to get me to stop running well... let me tell you this right now. Your stupid comments, your laughter, your honking, and whatever else you throw at me isn't going to do that. Because, well, I'm a runner and I'm made of something much much stronger than your stupid little comments.

~Liz

11 miles!!

Ok, 11.09 to be exact.  I really should have done 13 but I did 11.

Oh and yeah, I'm sorry I haven't been writing anything.  I did 7 last weekend and did 4 last Wednesday.  I have been slacking in my running AND my blogging.

It was 50 and sunny today so I HAD to get out there for a long run.  I am so afraid I'm not going to be ready for Bayshore but I'm going to keep training and doing what I can.  And I know I can do better.

I am doing good at keeping my pace where I need to be for the race.  So I feel good about that.  I just need to increase my milage.  I have 2 months to get ready for this race.  I think I might need new shoes and/or lose about 30 lbs.  My ankles have been getting sore on my long runs.   

I can do it, right? 

I have been too hard on myself so I bought a bikini

My Aunt Irene and my friend Marie pointed out to me on FB today that I'm being to hard on myself with my weight and all of that.

I started to think about it and I am being too hard on myself.  I am mad and upset with myself for gaining so much weight over the past few months that I think it is hindering my weight loss efforts.  I need to get back to this person, from 2011

I wasn't hard on myself back then and did practice positive self talk.  It's one of the things that really helped me lose weight.  I need to get back to that.

So in an effort to do that and get back to loving me and my body as it is, I bought a bikini :)

I have been eyeing this type of bathing suit for a couple of years now but have not been brave enough to even buy it.  But something always held be back.  Part of it was back in 8th grade I bought this super cute bikini.  It was tan and blue striped with this lacing part in the front on the top part.  I loved that and looking back I have no idea why I bought it.  I think because I was with my sisters and my friend and that's what they were buying and I didn't want to feel left out.  I wore it once.  Because the one time I wore it my Mom told me that I shouldn't wear a bikini since I was "full figured".  Ok, I was like a size 13ish when I bought it.  And her saying that, which I know, I know she didn't mean anything bad by it, it's just how many people think.  It's been taught that if you are over a particular size there are certain things you "just shouldn't wear" and a bikini and spandex are two of those things.  I got over the spandex thing (how many times have I read you have to earn the right to wear spandex?) as I wear that when I run.  All the time.

It's time I got over the bikini thing.  So I bought this:

Ok, so I did buy it in a smaller size than I am now.  But I bought it. And I will wear it.  Because there is no reason why I shouldnt or can't. 

It's time to get real.

Like super real. 

I gained a lot of weight over the last part of last year.  I weighed in, in early January and was 241 lbs.  Again.  Which means that I gained like 20+ lbs.  You would think that seeing that number again would have motivated me a lot and I'd have those 20 lbs gone by now.

You'd be wrong.  I mean, I tried.  Kind of.  But just kept buying more junk food and eating too much and not exercising enough.  And I kept saying, well, when I start my new job, things will be easier and better and I'll get back on track for good.  I mean, I have a marathon in May and I'm going to Vegas in April.  I need to be exercising and eating well and running a lot.  It didn't quite happen.  I mean, I eat well for breakfast and lunch and then mess up for dinner and everything else when I'm not at work.  It's so easy to fall back into bad habits.  So.F-ing.Easy. 

I hate that this is so hard for me and that I make it harder on myself than it needs to be.  It's easy - eat less, move more.  But it's not that easy, I guess.  Anyway, I've been gaining and losing the same 9 lbs since then.  Because yes, I did see 250 again on the scale.  I have not seen that number since 2008?  It's been awhile.  None of my clothes fit and I'm miserable.

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself.  You think by now, I would have learned better.  I haven't.  Maybe one day I will! :)

Anyway, I have set a super unreasonable goal for myself.  Probably not the best idea but I need to get on track and have something to wear to Vegas.  Even if I don't meet it, I will at least, I hope anyway, have worked exercise back in on a regular basis.  One thing I plan to start doing is walking the stairs at work on my 2 15 minute breaks.  I sit all day now and at least this will get me moving more during the day!! :)

Now on to happier things...

I was matched with my running buddy today!!  I learned about this great group from my friends from my running group on FB.  http://www.whoirun4.com/about-ir4/.  I can't wait to learn more about my buddy and his family! :) I ran my first miles for him today - I did 8 miles on the treadmill!! 

I ran last night

I did 3 miles.  It was not an easy run - I was tired, having trouble breathing and my ankles were sore.  I now sit all day at work and I've found a few times that my ankles are sore when I try to run after work.  It's so annoying.  It does kind of work its self out after awhile but it can be frustrating.  It wasn't too bad last night though.

Anyway, I didn't feel GOOD during the run.  It was hard.  I did run the last mile at 5 mph, which was hard.  And thinking about that sucks because in the fall, I was running at 6 mph and it felt easy and good.  So that kind of sucks.  But, in January, I could barely run at like 4.5 mph so I'm getting faster.

But after - after I felt SOOOO good.  I had run out the stress of my day and felt amazing.  It helped me eat well the rest of the night - so that is always a good thing.

I did not run tonight, I should have, but I didn't.  I plan to run tomorrow evening on the treadmill but on Friday, it's going to be 40 and SUNNY!!  I'm totally going to run outside.   I can't wait.  I'll be in shorts!  :)

I really should post a picture of my wrist.  lol who would think you could injure your wrist on the treadmill! 

Sorry for the lack of posts...

But I am still running.  Kind of.  I had a bad run last weekend - I was scheduled to do 10 and I did 2.  And I mostly walked.  I did not want to do it on the treadmill and the conditions at the park I run at were not ideal for running.  Lots of slushy water and lots of snow and areas covered in ice and water.  So I did 2 miles and went home.

I did a 5 mile run on the treadmill last night and bruised up my wrist.  lol.  Only me, right?  So, I tend to move my arms weird and I kept tapping my wrist on the front bar on my treadmill.  When you do that over and over you'll get a bruise.  And this is actually the 2nd time I've done this.  It looks really bad - I think people who don't know me may think I don't have a safe home life because of how bad it looks. 

Yesterday I made up my 10 mile run.  And did it on the treadmill.  It wasn't horrible - I'd rather run outside, that's for sure.  But it wasn't as bad as I made it out to be the previous weekend.  It was doable and I may have to do 12 on it next weekend.  Hopefully not, but I'm prepared to do it.  I can do it. 

Anyway, I was able to keep my pace fairly steady at 4.1 - which is around 14:30/mile.  Which is near what my goal pace is for the race this May.  So I felt good about that.  I did up the pace the last mile, mainly because I was just ready to be done.  I did have to stop a few times - needed a new bondiband (since I was at home I figured I could take the time and get a dry one), had to fix my shoe, needed some more water (my waterboy was busy! :) ) and had to eat part of a luna bar.  It wasn't a perfect run - I would have prefered to NOT stop for those things.  I walked a couple of times too - to drink and eat and just to catch my breath for a minute the last mile.  But over all, I'm satisfied with how that run went.  I just hope my treadmill is accurate - because I don't feel too bad for running 10 miles. 

I took today off - mainly because I didn't sleep well.  But I plan to get on the treadmill tomorrow and continue adding in weights. 

Still fat - not losing much weight because I keep having unhealthy days where I just overeat.  :/ Back on track (again) tomorrow. 

Oh and my 5 mile run last week on the treadmill = awesome.  I felt so good when I finished.  I did my version of speed work and had fun.  I like runs where I have fun!! :D

It still shocks me

That my legs can keep moving on long runs.  That I can go on long runs. 

Today I did 9 miles.  I'm the heaviest I've been in a long time and the heaviest I've been going this far.  But I still felt pretty good during my run.  I had to go slow because of the conditions on the path and the fact that I am just a slow runner. 

But I was thinking during this run - that sometimes it still is shocking to me that I run and that I am capable of going long distances.  I still don't really consider myself an athlete.  Especially right now, since I'm so heavy AND so slow.  I am so proud of myself for getting through this run and not stopping.  I so wanted to stop a few times.  It was cold and the path was snow covered, slushy and icy.  But I kept going and felt SO good!! :)

And I did run twice last week (super short runs which I was NOT happy about) but did not blog about it.  I really had wanted too - but I was too mad at myself to post about it.  I guess I should have still wrote about it.  Maybe it would have helped me.

I really needed my run today too - I heard a particular song on the radio this morning that just got me, like it usually does.  And I was crying and thinking about things and how different my life might have been.  I'm happy with how my life is going but I still get sad about things sometimes - today was one of those days.  Stupid songs.  And stupid me for not changing the station.  But those old feelings of deserving to feel sad came back, so I kept it there.  And was just crying in the car on the way to Biggby.  But at least I ran my feelings out this afternoon rather than eating them.  That's a plus, right? 

Sorry this is kind of all over the place, I was writing while cooking dinner and then finished it up after I ate dinner.  Anyway.  Next weekend - my first double digit run in a LONG time.  10 miles. 

Oh!  I start my new job tomorrow.  I'm super nervous but super excited.  AND!  It should make it easier to exercise/run either before or after work.  Since I will have a set schedule and won't have to get up so early that it feels like it's still night to work out.  And I no longer have a half hour commute so it'll be easier to run/exercise after because I won't get home after 6 pm.  :D