273

I don't know how to even start this blog.  Or where to start.  Or even what to title it. 

But.  I have gained back a lot of weight.  Almost all of it that I lost. 

Yup. <sigh>

I used to weigh 298 lbs.  In 2006.  And then things changed.  I changed.  In 2009 I started running.  I was down to 202 in 2011.  Then things started to go back up from there.  Oh I would have times where I'd get back on track and lose some and do ok and then go back to not eating right and not exercising and go back up. 

Then I changed jobs this year, which is such a good and great thing for me.  But it's also a completely sit at your desk job.  And so on came more weight.  And more.  I had to get out the fat clothes again.  Clothes I had packed away and had intention of donating but never got around to it. 

And we get to today.  I haven't wanted to post my weight or pictures of me because of how much weight I gained back.  For a few reasons.  Because I don't want pity, or to know that there are probably some people who would be secretly happy at my failure, or others to try to take advantage of me and sell me their miracle product or others to try to help and tell me to "just do x and x and you'll lose weight" and because I was just embarrassed and ashamed.

I weighed in today at 273 lbs.  And it sucks.  And I hate the way I feel and the way I look and how inactive I have become.  There are so many reasons why I gained it back - and the main one is I stopped taking care of myself and became lazy again.  It's hard, because I am, to the core, lazy.  I always have been.  Sure, I like to go out and do things and eat well, but I also like to lay around and do nothing and eat.  And it's easier to do the latter.  And so that part of me won.  Again. 

So here I am.  Again.  I have a race in 30 weeks.  I will not be able to finish or even start for that matter, if I don't do something.  I have been attempting to be active over the past couple of weeks and I have done ok.  But the problem is, I spend so much of my day just sitting when in the past that wasn't the case.  Because of that, I have to do that much more to actually make a difference.  I can't get away with the things I used to, because I just am not active at work anymore and I work so many more hours too. 

The past few months, I'd start setting unrealistic goals for myself - that I had to lose so much weight by a particular date because I'd be seeing certain people and I didn't want to still be so fat.  And that doesn't work.  At least for me.  I some how started caring what people thought of me again.  I don't know how or why that happened but it did.  When I stopped caring about what others thought of me and started only caring how I thought of me, is how I lost weight the first time.  When I started really loving myself and treating myself better, it was easier to lose weight.  I need to get that back. 

I also need to forgive myself and move on.  I can keep being mad at myself and keep eating and keep not doing anything about it.  And then I'll really be back where I started, weight wise, but be worse off then I was before.

This week I will be able to do a few things to help me get back on track - but I have to wait to get paid ;) lol.  I am going to go grocery shopping and stock my house with good, healthy foods.  I am not going to buy things that I know will trigger binge eating.  I am buying new running shoes and signing up for kick boxing lessons.  In a couple more weeks I will be able to pay off a large portion of my credit card debt and will be able to use that extra money to join the wellness center/gym that is offered by my employer. 

This week also starts the starting of my marathon training for Bayshore 2015.  I did my first training walk today.  In 30 weeks, I will be at the starting line for a marathon.  I can't do it at 270 lbs, that is for sure.

I hope this is it, this time.  I keep feeling like ok this is it, this is where I gain back control of myself and my life.  And then it's not.  But this has to be it.  I can't go through another race and not finish.  I can't do that.  And the only way that won't happen is if I get back control and move forward.  I need to stop worrying about the past and how much weight I gained back and how I used to be able to run faster.  It's keeping me in the past and not letting me move forward.

So I had to put my weight out there.  273.  When I was finally honest and came out with my weight in the past it helped.  It helped to see that number out there and not keep it a secret. 

I will beat this again and win.