I did it

I really didnt want to run today - I was starving for some reason, and my leg was (is!) still sore and tight feeling.  But I figured something is better than nothing.  And I do feel better now.  I did 2.5 miles in 31:41.  Not too bad considering I didnt really bump it up to 5 mph and higher consistantly until 20 mins in.  The back of my left thigh is just really tight feeling.  It got a little better as the time went by, and after I ran I did stretch a little and that seemed to help.

But I did it, I got my run in today, and thats what matters.  They all arent going to be pretty, fun and thought provoking.  That what today was - just a run.  Nothing special. 

I did have a crazy dream about running a marathon last night.  I showed up unprepared, no food, no water, nothing.  And I was always running behind - and for some reason we had to stop in the middle of it to eat Thanksgiving dinner.  But I did run the first 6 miles in 58  mins or something.  So lol that was cool.  It was crazy.

Finished the week right!!

I'm feeling sooo good!  I was able to run my butt off and get my fastest 5 miles ever!  1:02:00!!  I'm almost there - to 5 miles in under an hour!  That has been my goal for a while now, and I cant believe I'm almost there.  I remember the first time I went 4.5 miles, and wanted to die after, and it took me like 1:05:00 or 1:15:00 I don't remember.  Anyway, I just remember it was hard, and sucked, and I couldn't do anything after.  Right now, other than some soreness in my left hamstring, I feel awesome.  I'm not tired at all!  It was exactly what I needed after this craptastic week. 

It was period week.  So I was exhausted, but managed to stay with in my calories, even with eating McDonald's for breakfast on Wednesday.  Until Thursday, that is.  Stupid pizza and mozzarella sticks!  And stupid me for buying it.  I really could have resisted.  I was doing soo well.  I had not had a red day in 2 weeks, and then I ate a whole frozen pizza Thursday night.  I decided to log it, and I ate almost 4000 calories for the day.  Ooops!  But whatever.  I don't eat like that all the time, and I no longer feel guilty for what I eat.  I've really tried to stop associating feelings with eating and food.  I'll try to make it 3 weeks without having a red day, and beat my 2 week record :) I didn't reach my exercise goal, but did about 70% of it.  Its like 4.5 hours of moderate exercise for almost 3000 calories burned.  70% is pretty good for this week. 

I have one more week to laze around ;) before I begin my official training for the Marine Corps Marathon!! :)

And why oh why did I not start running until I was 27???  Seriously, I should have started this like 15 years ago. 

Note to Self: Try to not listen to emotional songs while running...

When its certain times of the month.  I almost started crying when listing to Fuckin Perfect by P!nk.  I love that song. 

You’re so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you’ll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It’s enough
I’ve done all i can think of
Chased down all my demons
see you same

I just was thinking of how it used to be for myself, and how I used to talk to myself like that.  I was so mean to myself.  And was thinking of all of the people out there who do the same.  Who cant see their beauty.  Your weight doesn't define you, your life, your self worth, your beauty. 

Think about it - why would you do something good for yourself, if you're constantly telling yourself how worthless, ugly and horrible you are?  I remember thinking I didn't deserve to feel good about myself, and that I deserved to feel like shit all the time.  Most of that goes back to "IT" but not all of it.  As soon as I changed my internal thinking - losing weight became that much easier.  I still struggle at times, but not nearly like I used to.  Because I know that I'm worth this good feeling.  I love how running brings out these feelings!!

You're awesome as you are!  Actually, you're Perfect, fuckin' perfect! :)

No Energy!

I have no energy this week to do anything.  I havent ran since Sunday.  That time of the month is always so hard for me.  Endometriosis aside, it just saps all of my energy.  Nothing helps - I've tried it all! :) I did just take two Excedrin and that has caffine in it.  We'll see if that gives me enough of a buzz to get on the treadmill in a little bit for a few miles.  I need to run.  I'm stressing over things and just need to get that out of me.  I hate being stressed.  And being stressed about money sucks even more.

I ate McDonalds this morning.  It was good, but god, 150 calories for a small orange juice?  Now I remember why I dont drink my calories!  I'd rather eat 'em.  The McGriddle was worth the 420 calories ;) but that'll be my last fastfood meal for a while, I'm sure.  I had a delicious healthy lunch, and will have a healthy dinner too. 

Ok, off to mess with my play list, and then to run, and then wash the dishes!

Great Run This Morning!

I went on a 4.2 mile run this morning, and it was nice!  It was a little chili to begin with, but once we started it warmed up and was pleasant.  I ran pretty much the whole thing, which was nice.  I can and have run 5 miles without walking (well other than the 5 min warm up walk I do sometimes) but I dont always push myself to keep running.  It helps to have a great running partner!!  I'm excited for Spring to get here and STAY here. 

I'm excited to start training, and it will officially begin in 2 weeks. 

I'm feeling really good!

Great Week!

I had a really good week, this week.  I meant to write more, but just didnt seem to make the time to do it.

I was active, and rode my bike, walked and ran a couple of times.  I even hauled my ass out of bed at 5:30 am to run 5k on the treadmill.  That was on on Wednesday.  I also walked on my lunch that day, and rode my bike for 10 miles that evening.  It was nice!  I love having a friend who likes to do active things - it keeps me going!

I ran last night after work.  It was 70 freakin degrees yesterday!  I did 2.5 miles at the park, and felt really good.  There are times where I'm still surprsied at the fact that I'm doing all of this.  And do it outside and in public.  The park was sooo busy last night (I loved seeing all the dogs!) and I did not feel a bit self concious.  I used to be so self concious to just go to the store, let alone exercise outside.  I loved feeling the sun, and the wind on my skin.

Today I ran just 1.25 miles.  It was still a beautiful day, not as warm as yesterday, but still nice.  I'm still having my breathing issues, and completely forgot to call and make an appointment with my Dr.  I should have a full physical anyway, and will talk about possibly getting an inhalor. 

Oh and BTW..... 209.6 lbs!! :) 10 more lbs and I'll be under 200!  Yay!  I'm afraid I'll cry, and I'm afraid I wont! But to think the last time I know for sure I was 199, was THAT day.  It'll be nice to finally put all of that behind me. 

I promise to write more this coming week.  I plan to bike tomorrow, and maybe run.  And then do a longerish run on Sunday.

Its just too cold!

I rode my bike outside again today - it was freezing!  I'm ready for spring!  I did about 11 miles in an hour.  Slower than yesterday, but at least I got out there.  I may do a work out DVD later.   Or maybe not ;)

I plan on running tomorrow morning before work, since I work 11 to 7. 

Oh and can I say I HATE when we have to set our clocks a head an hour?  It should be done on a weekday in the middle of the day.  Not early Sunday morning.

And I lost .5 lb this week.  Or something like that.  At least it was something, right?  I exercised, but I just didn't eat as well as I could have (remember the pizza post???)  This week - I hope to be better, and hope to get under 210.  I'm at 211.4.  Even if its 209.8, I'll take it! :)

Wait, was that a whip?!?!

So I had a nice bike ride today.  I ended up riding just about 15.5 miles.  It was beautiful when I started out - the sun was out, birds were chirping, the sky was clear blue.  And then it got cold and windy, and cloudy!  I'm glad I was with two other people, as I would have wimped out at like 2 miles once the sun was gone!  I went with my friend, and then met someone new!  So yay!  Exercising outside, and then joining the outdoor group that E made is really helping me meet people in this area.  We saw this guy on the trail who may have been carrying a whip.  Why, I have no idea, but its Jackson.  You see weird shit sometimes.  It was hilarious though.

I did see the mean Asian lady walking her dog on the path.  Shes not really mean, she just always looks mad to be out walking her dog.  I hope to see thumbs up running dude soon - because that'll mean its Spring, and I'm out running on the bike path. 

I was supposed to run after with them, but my toes were cold, and my leg was doing that weird crampy thing it does.  It seems to do it more in the cold weather.  Its still kind of cramping up, so I'm glad I ended up not running, in that sense.  I'm way wimpier this year than I was last year.  I ran outside way more in the winter, but then maybe it wasn't as cold as it was this year. 

I'm just so ready for spring!

I resisted the chocolate cake, but not the pizza!

But I resisted the chocolate cake twice!  I was so proud of myself on Thursday.  My co worker's bday was the day before, and there was a chocolate cake, with chocolate frosting, and chocolate chips on top.  Yeah.  It looked really good.  But I resisted. 

I then came home to my husband who tried to cook dinner, and it was crazy!  He put a pork loin with bbq sauce in a bowl of water.  And then put ramen noodle around and on top of the pork loin.  It made no sense to me.  And then the top part of the ramen didn't even get soft - that browned and roasted and stayed hard.  It was not good.  lol, but he tried right?  Well, we ended up getting pizza.  And I had 4 pieces.  Pizza is like the one food I would eat all day, everyday if it were possible.  I can eat a ton of pizza.  At my highest, I used to eat a whole pizza myself.  I could still do it, but I don't.  So yeah.  Thursday - no exercise and 4 pieces of pizza.  Oh and 4 cookies.  Not good.

Today - much better!  I resisted the cake (again!) and am only around 1600 calories for the day.  Much better than the yesterday, and I can still have a snack.

I also went running outside tonight!  It was such a beautiful afternoon, I'm so glad I went.  I went running with my friend, so that made it that much better.  I still breathe like crap outside, but overall, it was a nice run.  We finished 2.5 miles in 30 mins, which is good for me!!  The sun was out, the geese were back, it was 40 degrees - perfect.  I could have done without the wind, but I can forgive Mother Nature for that. 

No more pizza.  Or at least not for a month or so. 

I just went outside in the craziest outfit ever....

And I don't care :) Which says a lot about how much I've changed over the past few years.  I haven't showered or changed yet after my awesome run (I'll get to that in a minute) so I was still wearing my spandex knee length black running shorts.  These are like the best running shorts ever.  And I don't care if fat ladies aren't supposed to wear spandex.  I do.  While running.  Anyway, I have those on, and then put on my fleece jacket.  I have on white socks, and then put on brown ankle boots.  Ok, so I was only in my back yard letting my dogs outside, but still it looked crazy. 


When I was planning my run, I planned to go 5 miles.  When I got on the treadmill, I really did want to go 5 miles, and wanted to quit at either 2.5 or maybe 5k.  I'm tired of the treadmill.  I want spring and want to get outside.  But I cant use that as an excuse to shorten my runs.  So thankfully the music that I had on kept me going today.  I have so many favorite running songs, and these songs, specifically these lines, kept me inspired to keep running.

Success is my only motherfucking option, failure's not - Lose Yourself, Eminem

...always waiting on someone else to fix you, tell me when did you forget? It's your life...... - It's Your Life, Francesca Battistelli

But in the end you'll see
YOU-WON'T-STOP-ME
I am a fighter and I
I ain't gonna stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough - Fighter, Christina Aguilera

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out  Please don't give in, I won't let you down - Whataya Want From Me, Adam Lambert

I really wanted to start walking near the end, but didn't.  And because of that, I had a PR for 5 miles.  I didn't realize that this was the best I've done, but I looked back at my old times, and it was.  I ran 5 miles in 1:02:51.  My goal is to get 5 miles under an hour.  I'm so close!  I also hope that I'll be able to run the marathon at that pace, 12 min/miles.  Of course, I'd take faster, but I think thats a good goal to work toward. 

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good.  I had a great run.  I just now need to shower, and get dressed and go shopping.  I hope to go jean shopping too, and find a pair that actually fits.  I am in between sizes or something, and cant find anything that fits my crazy body right. 

I hate mornings

I really do hate to get up in the morning to do anything.  5 am came way to early, and when my alarm went off, I just turned it off and re set it for 5:30 am.  I did get up the 2nd time, at 5:30.  I really didn't want to, but then I thought about all the food I ate the day before (I was craving those breaded chicken sandwiches, and then tater tots, and Craig wanted Packzis... cream cheese ones at that too... so yeah, not healthy!) and dragged myself out of bed.  And ran.  I did 2.5 miles in 32 minutes.  Not too bad.  I ran most of it at 4.8 MPH, but bumped it up to 5 and 5.5 or something near the end to just get done.  It was hard at first, but once I got going, it wasn't too bad.  I think had I slept better and more the night before I would have felt better all day, but overall, considering how much I actually slept the night before, I felt ok.  And I know its because I did get up and run.

I have tomorrow off, and plan to run 5 miles.  I wish it was going to be nice tomorrow, because I'd like to run outside.  So, treadmill again, it is.  I cant wait to get back outside and run.  I was braver last year, and ran outside more in the winter, but this year, I've been too chicken. 

I just hope the dogs let me sleep in tomorrow.  And hopefully I'll be more inspired to write tomorrow, after my run. 

Running: Cheaper than therapy!

I had a nice run today.  I went 5 miles on the treadmill.  In 1:06:29, or something like that.  Not too bad, but I'd still like to get 5 miles under a hour.  I'll get there.  My left knee was still tight and sore feeling, behind the knee.  Craig (my husband, that you'll get to know as I'm sure he'll pop up here often!) said I must have hyper extended it.  I probably did that during that horribly hard Level 2 work out I did the other day.  But it felt better than yesterday, and it didn't keep me from running.
My thoughts were all over the place today, while on the treadmill.

I was thinking about my weight and looks, and how other people saw me seemed to be more important than how I felt about myself.  There is this "suggested friend" who pops up every so often on FB, because we have a couple of mutual friends.  He's this guy who went to jr high and high school with me.  I remember in 7th grade we had math class together and I had a huge crush on him.  I must have told one of my friends, and it some how got back to him, and I remember finding out that he said I was ugly.  I was crushed.  And it was always like that.  Its funny how I remember it almost exactly.  And thats always the first thing I think of when I see him on my "suggested friends" list or when he comments on a mutual friend's page.  It makes me sad that I still remember that, and I'm almost 30 years old.  And I just wonder why I let it bother me so much.  7th grade was a pivotal year for me too, I think.  Maybe thats why it sticks in my head.  It was when I really started to struggle with my weight, and binge and emotional eating.  There are so many reasons, and I know some of it goes back to moving to NC, and not having many friends there at first, and then not to mention why I moved to NC in the first place.  I didn't think that whole thing bothered me that much, but looking back, I can see that it did.  And having my sisters didn't help.  They would call me fat and ugly when we fought, because they knew it bothered me.  And I was mean to them too.  But I don't think they realized how much what they said stuck with me for a long, long time.  And how much it affected me.  And when I was compared to them - oh that was even worse!  I remember hearing more than once "THAT'S (meaning me) your sister?!?!" 

I also thought about how weird it is to hear my Dad say that he's proud of me - for this.  For running!  He said that to me the other day.  It was nice to hear.  Not that he's never said that before, but its just amazing to me that he's now saying it for this!  Its also crazy to hear that I inspired my husband.  He told me that today, or yesterday.  When he saw his abs in the mirror for the first time in years - that it was because of me.  Had I not made these changes, he wouldn't be where he is today.  And to hear it from my friends too - just crazy!  I've always felt like that sad, fat, ugly girl I described above.  I don't feel like that anymore.  And haven't for almost 2 years now.  And I love it! 

I really didn't plan to write what I did above, I had actually had a quote I found that I had wanted to write about, and had it as the title of this post.  But after writing what I did, I think the one I chose instead is more appropriate!  This is why I love running.  It really is therapeutic for me.  I can let my thoughts wander, work though any problems from the day, or just forget about everything and just focus on the music and the run.  Its easier to forget everything when I'm outside.  I can focus on the sun on my skin, the trees, the sky, the breeze, the animals.  On the treadmill - not so much. 

I hope to get up and run tomorrow morning.  I'm really trying to lose 2 lbs this week.  We'll see how that turns out, since I *hate* waking up early in the morning.

I must be crazy

I had that thought today as I was running on the treadmill. I tried to write my first entry this morning before I ran, but was not feeling inspired to write. I had hoped getting on the treadmill would help me write, however it didn't turn out that way. It started out ok, and I had some ideas about what to write about. But overall it wasn't a good run. My legs were sore, and my chest was sore. I seem to keep pulling the same chest muscle when I do Jillian Michaels 30 day shred, level 2. As if I don't already have a hard enough time breathing while running. 

I should probably write about who I am, and what I'm doing. And why I think I can/should run a marathon. 

At the end of 2006, I reached my highest weight ever. I weighed 298 lbs. I remember daring myself to get over 300, not knowing what I'd do if I hit 300 lbs. I was unhappy, miserable, and I now realize I wasn't dealing with certain issues (maybe I'll write about them at another date, now isn't the time), and just did not like myself, and didn't care. I also didn't see myself as THAT heavy. I didn't think I looked that different. 

I lost about 20 lbs that first year. I counted points, then calories and for exercise I did work out dvds and walked on my lunch. And did pretty much that until 2009.

I remember when I went on my first run. I was visiting my Mom in Traverse City for Memorial Day weekend, and decided to go on a walk, to get some exercise in. It was a cold and rainy day. I started off walking, and then just had this moment where I decided I should try running. There was no one around, and figured I could try it. I did. I think I ran/walked about an hour that day. I have no idea how far I went, or how long I actually ran for. But something changed that day, and I wanted to start running more. I came home, mapped out a mile route around my neighborhood, and started off doing that. I was still around 240ish pounds, and did what I could. I was slow, and had to walk, and would feel almost dead after doing a mile. 

But I loved it. I had always HATED running when I was a kid. I remember in 10th grade gym class, having to run, and I'd try to get out of it. I have no idea how long the route was that we had to run out in the neighborhood around the high school, but it felt like 50 miles, and I hated it. I was always last and everyone else would be sitting around waiting for me. Why the teacher couldn't let them go back inside, I'll never know. But I was always last, and always felt horrible. And so it was a surprise when I liked running. 

So I started off with a mile, and by mid summer wanted to do a 5k. I didn't quite know how far a 5k was, but found out it was 3.1 miles. The first time I did 3 miles, I ran the first mile, walked the 2nd, and I think ran/walked the 3rd. I did it around the track at a school thats near my house. I felt like I was going to die after, but I figured since I didn't die, I could do a 5k race.

I did my first 5k race Sept 2009. It was hard, but I loved it. I finished in 44:59. And felt awesome. I wanted to cry when I crossed the finish line. It was so hard, and I remember being passed by walkers! Walkers! But I didn't care.

My Dad somehow talked me into signing up for the Bayshore Marathon, for May 2010. We made it a family thing, and we had so many in the family doing a race that day. My husband, 2 sisters and my sister's bf did a 10k. My Aunt, cousin and her husband did a half marathon. And my Dad, Uncle, BIL and cousin, and myself ran in the marathon. I didn't finish. And was really upset about it. I was the only one in our group who did not finish. I made it to almost mile 24. I called it 23.75 miles. It was hard. It sucked, and I hated it. I was alone for most of it, and it was so hot. I didn't hydrate as well as I should, and just felt really alone. My sister, husband and nephew came out to walk with me, and help me finish up, even though the finish line was closed. I couldn't do it.

I didn't talk to anyone for a few days, and I remember telling my husband, it just seemed like the story of my life. I almost always almost do these great, wonderful things, and then quit. I listed them out, and started to cry. I had wanted the experience of running the marathon to change me in such a way that I'd never feel like that again. That it would make me feel like I could do anything I wanted! After a few days, or maybe a few weeks, I was ok with the experience. I didn't quit running. I went running about a week and a half later. And kept running.

I wasn't ready then. I didn't get to train like I should have. I had injured my hip and couldn't run for a while, and just didn't realize how hard I really had to train. I still weighed 225 lbs. To be able to go almost 24 miles, was amazing, when I look at where I had started. 

I had wanted to try running Bayshore again, however, they filled up quickly, and I wasn't able to sign up. I was looking for other marathons to run this summer in Michigan, and had thought I had found the one I wanted to do. But then my Dad asked if I wanted to run the Marine Corps Marathon with him and my Uncle. I said yes! Its October 30th, 2011. I have plenty of time to train, and am really excited about it. 

I'm still on this weight loss journey, and have lost just over 85 lbs. I started at 298, and am at 211.8, I was a size 26, and am now a size 16. I feel really good. For the first time in my life, I can really say that I love myself. And running played a huge part in that role. Running has become my therapy. I almost always feel better after a run.

And back to today's run. I ended up going only 5k (which I now know is 3.1 miles), and felt bad about it. And thought I must be crazy to think I could run a marathon, when I struggled today with only 3 miles. And in my head thought today was a bad run. But then I thought about it some more, and decided that NO run is a bad run. I may not have gone as far or as fast as I wanted today, but I still ran. I still did something. Anytime I do something that is a step toward my goals, regardless of how small or insignificant I may think it is, its still important. And could never be considered bad. 

We'll see if I can keep that optimistic view, when I get into the 20+ mile runs.