I had a nice run today. I went 5 miles on the treadmill. In 1:06:29, or something like that. Not too bad, but I'd still like to get 5 miles under a hour. I'll get there. My left knee was still tight and sore feeling, behind the knee. Craig (my husband, that you'll get to know as I'm sure he'll pop up here often!) said I must have hyper extended it. I probably did that during that horribly hard Level 2 work out I did the other day. But it felt better than yesterday, and it didn't keep me from running.
My thoughts were all over the place today, while on the treadmill.
I was thinking about my weight and looks, and how other people saw me seemed to be more important than how I felt about myself. There is this "suggested friend" who pops up every so often on FB, because we have a couple of mutual friends. He's this guy who went to jr high and high school with me. I remember in 7th grade we had math class together and I had a huge crush on him. I must have told one of my friends, and it some how got back to him, and I remember finding out that he said I was ugly. I was crushed. And it was always like that. Its funny how I remember it almost exactly. And thats always the first thing I think of when I see him on my "suggested friends" list or when he comments on a mutual friend's page. It makes me sad that I still remember that, and I'm almost 30 years old. And I just wonder why I let it bother me so much. 7th grade was a pivotal year for me too, I think. Maybe thats why it sticks in my head. It was when I really started to struggle with my weight, and binge and emotional eating. There are so many reasons, and I know some of it goes back to moving to NC, and not having many friends there at first, and then not to mention why I moved to NC in the first place. I didn't think that whole thing bothered me that much, but looking back, I can see that it did. And having my sisters didn't help. They would call me fat and ugly when we fought, because they knew it bothered me. And I was mean to them too. But I don't think they realized how much what they said stuck with me for a long, long time. And how much it affected me. And when I was compared to them - oh that was even worse! I remember hearing more than once "THAT'S (meaning me) your sister?!?!"
I also thought about how weird it is to hear my Dad say that he's proud of me - for this. For running! He said that to me the other day. It was nice to hear. Not that he's never said that before, but its just amazing to me that he's now saying it for this! Its also crazy to hear that I inspired my husband. He told me that today, or yesterday. When he saw his abs in the mirror for the first time in years - that it was because of me. Had I not made these changes, he wouldn't be where he is today. And to hear it from my friends too - just crazy! I've always felt like that sad, fat, ugly girl I described above. I don't feel like that anymore. And haven't for almost 2 years now. And I love it!
I really didn't plan to write what I did above, I had actually had a quote I found that I had wanted to write about, and had it as the title of this post. But after writing what I did, I think the one I chose instead is more appropriate! This is why I love running. It really is therapeutic for me. I can let my thoughts wander, work though any problems from the day, or just forget about everything and just focus on the music and the run. Its easier to forget everything when I'm outside. I can focus on the sun on my skin, the trees, the sky, the breeze, the animals. On the treadmill - not so much.
I hope to get up and run tomorrow morning. I'm really trying to lose 2 lbs this week. We'll see how that turns out, since I *hate* waking up early in the morning.
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