So today is the day. I am running in the Marine Corps Marathon (oh yeah, did I mention it'll be during a hurricane? :))
I couldn't sleep much last night, but I kept the lights off and stayed in bed, just resting. I'm so nervous! I know I can do this, but I'm still nervous. This is going to be all over the place, so sorry!!
I have come a long way from where I was just six years ago. I know I could have trained a little better, a little harder, I could have lost a little more weight, but even so. I am not that same person I used to be. That person who was hurting so very much inside who was just going through the motions of living. I never thought I'd be me again after what I went through when I was 19. I wanted to be that same person, before everything. Before everything that caused me to gain so much weight and get up to 298. I've now realized that I cant be that same person before but I can be a new me - a much better and happier me. And that is what I have done. My life isn't perfect and there are still things I am in the process of making better. But I am happier. I am a person who signed up for a MARATHON! I know it's the 2nd one I've been in, but it'll be my first one I finish! In all my life, this is not who I expected to be at 31. I never thought I'd be an athlete. I was the fat girl who HATED running, who hated gym class, who was always last. Who would be the last one doing the running loop we had to do in 10th grade gym class - while EVERYONE was there waiting for me.
I used to weigh 298 POUNDS. TWO pounds from 300! And now, I may not be at my goal weight, but today I'm going to accomplish a much bigger goal.
Thank you all for the support!! :) And thank you to my dear wonderful husband. I wish you were here with me.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
A Week from Today
I will be in Washington DC and will be running in the Marine Corps Marathon.
Wow.
I know it's just 7 days away and that terrifies me! I am so scared I wont finish and I'll feel like I did when I couldn't finish the Bayshore Marathon in 2010. I alternate with being excited about it, to wanting to throw up and cry because I am afraid!
I did a 20 mile training run 2 weeks ago, and I meant to write about it. It was hard. I was cold and alone and was sore. I kept going and had to walk a lot more than I wanted to, so it took me much longer than I had hoped. But the thing is, I didn't quit. I had opprotunity to - my husband was bringing me water and the car was right there and I could have easily thrown the towel in and let him give me a ride home. But I did not. I could not do that. I had to keep going, even though it took me a half hour longer than what is allowed in the race. I am so proud of myself that I kept going.
I did my last longer training run today, and it was a beautiful, fall Michigan day. It was sunny and crisp and the leaves were pretty. I did 8.09 today, and it wasn't a bad run. My pace was 13:41 and I felt ok. I pay attention to every little pain I get and kind of freak out a bit.
I can do this. I have to keep telling myself that and not let the fear take over. I can do this. Right? Please?
Wow.
I know it's just 7 days away and that terrifies me! I am so scared I wont finish and I'll feel like I did when I couldn't finish the Bayshore Marathon in 2010. I alternate with being excited about it, to wanting to throw up and cry because I am afraid!
I did a 20 mile training run 2 weeks ago, and I meant to write about it. It was hard. I was cold and alone and was sore. I kept going and had to walk a lot more than I wanted to, so it took me much longer than I had hoped. But the thing is, I didn't quit. I had opprotunity to - my husband was bringing me water and the car was right there and I could have easily thrown the towel in and let him give me a ride home. But I did not. I could not do that. I had to keep going, even though it took me a half hour longer than what is allowed in the race. I am so proud of myself that I kept going.
I did my last longer training run today, and it was a beautiful, fall Michigan day. It was sunny and crisp and the leaves were pretty. I did 8.09 today, and it wasn't a bad run. My pace was 13:41 and I felt ok. I pay attention to every little pain I get and kind of freak out a bit.
I can do this. I have to keep telling myself that and not let the fear take over. I can do this. Right? Please?
Sunday, September 16, 2012
You know it's a good run
When you almost cry during it. I had a couple of points, when I was out doing my 15.07 mile run today, where I felt overwhelmed with emotion and wanted to cry. I just want this so much. I don't want to fail!
I had a nice run today. I finished in 3:41:13, which is about 14:40/mile. I still need to improve on my time so I can beat the bridge. I have to do 20 miles with an average of 14 minute miles to be allowed to finish the MCM. I can do it, right? My time last month for 10.5 miles was about 1 minute slower per mile (15:30ish) than I did today. I know I can knock 40 seconds off. I have to!
I downloaded a few new songs last night to add to my play list, and this song kept me going through out. I had it on repeat several times.
I do think I accidentally made it seem like I was JOINING the Marines today while running, rather than just training to run in the Marine Corps Marathon. This woman asked me if I was training for Detroit, and I had just taken a drink, and could only get out "No, Marine Corps". I realized after she said "Wow, good luck!" and passed me that I should have added "marathon" to the end of that. Ooops. lol I'd have to lose like 100 lbs and run a whole hell of a lot faster to join the military! :)
It helped that Craig rode my bike, lol, and carried the hydrapack so I didn't have to do a couple of out and back loops. It helped me so much, mentally to just do an out and back of 7.54 miles. He only complained at the beginning of having to ride my bike (it's not MY fault his bike is in pieces ;)) and then kept me entertained by doing wheelies and almost falling. He's cute.
I'm still totally sucking at losing weight, but I do think I've lost a couple of pounds, but am retaining water due to the enormous amounts of sodium I keep consuming. I had condensed soup every day last week for lunch and it's so full of sodium. Its just easy to pack, cheap, and low calorie. But I want to try to avoid it this week, which means I'll have to get up a little earlier to make something else for lunch. Anyway, my goal is to get under 220, and 210 would be even better by then. But I know it's not a realistic goal, but I'm still going to try!
I had a nice run today. I finished in 3:41:13, which is about 14:40/mile. I still need to improve on my time so I can beat the bridge. I have to do 20 miles with an average of 14 minute miles to be allowed to finish the MCM. I can do it, right? My time last month for 10.5 miles was about 1 minute slower per mile (15:30ish) than I did today. I know I can knock 40 seconds off. I have to!
I downloaded a few new songs last night to add to my play list, and this song kept me going through out. I had it on repeat several times.
It helped that Craig rode my bike, lol, and carried the hydrapack so I didn't have to do a couple of out and back loops. It helped me so much, mentally to just do an out and back of 7.54 miles. He only complained at the beginning of having to ride my bike (it's not MY fault his bike is in pieces ;)) and then kept me entertained by doing wheelies and almost falling. He's cute.
I'm still totally sucking at losing weight, but I do think I've lost a couple of pounds, but am retaining water due to the enormous amounts of sodium I keep consuming. I had condensed soup every day last week for lunch and it's so full of sodium. Its just easy to pack, cheap, and low calorie. But I want to try to avoid it this week, which means I'll have to get up a little earlier to make something else for lunch. Anyway, my goal is to get under 220, and 210 would be even better by then. But I know it's not a realistic goal, but I'm still going to try!
Monday, August 20, 2012
Struggle, Struggle
That kind of sums of how I'm feeling right now. I'm struggling tonight. I'm hungry, I didn't eat the most fulfilling foods today, so I'm just struggling to NOT go into the kitchen and eat a lot of food.
I don't know if I've posted this here, I think I have, but I have a problem with binge eating. It's hard to deal with. It's hard to get it under control. It comes out more when I'm stressed or upset about something. I don't feel any more stressed than usual right now, but it's just really hard right now.
I am worried about my right leg. It's still hurting, and I cant really rest it. I'm on my feet a lot of the day at work, and it was hard today. I had to walk oddly and slowly. It seems to be the muscle area right below my calf that is hurting. It's not a horrible pain, but it's there. And I'm afraid it's going to get worse. I'm planning to take this week off of any extra exercise to try and rest it as much as I can.
Which means I am going to have to watch so carefully what I'm eating this week. Exercising helps because it gives me extra calories to eat, and I don't feel so restricted. I wont have that :/ We also really need to go grocery shopping, so I don't really have much to chose from for dinners and lunches.
I'm going to have a tough week. I hope it ends up being easier than I anticipate, but I'm afraid it's going to just be really hard. I will have to fight to not give into that binge urge.
I don't know if I've posted this here, I think I have, but I have a problem with binge eating. It's hard to deal with. It's hard to get it under control. It comes out more when I'm stressed or upset about something. I don't feel any more stressed than usual right now, but it's just really hard right now.
I am worried about my right leg. It's still hurting, and I cant really rest it. I'm on my feet a lot of the day at work, and it was hard today. I had to walk oddly and slowly. It seems to be the muscle area right below my calf that is hurting. It's not a horrible pain, but it's there. And I'm afraid it's going to get worse. I'm planning to take this week off of any extra exercise to try and rest it as much as I can.
Which means I am going to have to watch so carefully what I'm eating this week. Exercising helps because it gives me extra calories to eat, and I don't feel so restricted. I wont have that :/ We also really need to go grocery shopping, so I don't really have much to chose from for dinners and lunches.
I'm going to have a tough week. I hope it ends up being easier than I anticipate, but I'm afraid it's going to just be really hard. I will have to fight to not give into that binge urge.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
...and another thing....
Runners or anyone else who exercises outside, I have a question for you.
Is it just me, or do you also get weird, mean, condescending or just any comment or even looks in general? I seem to get them almost every time I am out there running.
I blogged last week or the week before about the rudest comment I've received to date, but someone yelled something at me today. I don't know what he said - I don't really care. But he was driving in a truck, and said something, I looked at him and shrugged my shoulders and he kept driving. But he kept looking as he drove away, to the point it was kind of dangerous.
Now, I do think I'm pretty hot ;) but I'm not the type of woman who men flirt with or look back at for a second look because they think I'm hot. I'm still pretty fat too. Not that I think that makes me ugly, but I know others may think that.
I get the "good for you"s, "thats great that you're even OUT here" and other comments that are supposed to be compliments, but really aren't. I also almost always get "good job" "keep it up!" "You go girl" or other ones that ARE nice, with out a "sting" behind it.
It makes me wonder though, do people think I really need that much encouragement? I know most are trying ot be nice, but even then, do other runners get as many comments or looks as I do? The comments don't hurt or really help me, I just don't quite understand. I would never go up to someone, and get right in their face and say "GOOD FOR YOU FOR EVEN BEING OUT HERE!" or something like that, as one older woman said to me.
I do like (and MISS!) my thumbs up running dude. He's the best. He just gives you a thumbs up as he runs by. I haven't seen him in MONTHS! I love him! lol
I know this is all over the place, and may not make much sense, its just something I've been wondering about for a long time. And like I said, it doesn't bother me or hurt me. Nothing ANYONE will ever say will make me stop running. The comments that ARE meant to be hurtful, don't hurt me. I'm stronger than that. And love myself a lot more to let those things get to me. And i know it might sound like I'm complaining that people are trying to be nice to me. I'm not.
I know I'm fatter than a lot of people, and larger than the 'typical' runner. Is that it? Why doesn't my husband get those comments? Maybe he needs encouragement more than I do. Or that other person running needs it more than me. Being fat doesn't automatically mean that I hate myself and need other people to help me feel better about myself.
I don't need encouragement to stay out there. I'm out there because I want to be and I have goals.
Is it just me, or do you also get weird, mean, condescending or just any comment or even looks in general? I seem to get them almost every time I am out there running.
I blogged last week or the week before about the rudest comment I've received to date, but someone yelled something at me today. I don't know what he said - I don't really care. But he was driving in a truck, and said something, I looked at him and shrugged my shoulders and he kept driving. But he kept looking as he drove away, to the point it was kind of dangerous.
Now, I do think I'm pretty hot ;) but I'm not the type of woman who men flirt with or look back at for a second look because they think I'm hot. I'm still pretty fat too. Not that I think that makes me ugly, but I know others may think that.
I get the "good for you"s, "thats great that you're even OUT here" and other comments that are supposed to be compliments, but really aren't. I also almost always get "good job" "keep it up!" "You go girl" or other ones that ARE nice, with out a "sting" behind it.
It makes me wonder though, do people think I really need that much encouragement? I know most are trying ot be nice, but even then, do other runners get as many comments or looks as I do? The comments don't hurt or really help me, I just don't quite understand. I would never go up to someone, and get right in their face and say "GOOD FOR YOU FOR EVEN BEING OUT HERE!" or something like that, as one older woman said to me.
I do like (and MISS!) my thumbs up running dude. He's the best. He just gives you a thumbs up as he runs by. I haven't seen him in MONTHS! I love him! lol
I know this is all over the place, and may not make much sense, its just something I've been wondering about for a long time. And like I said, it doesn't bother me or hurt me. Nothing ANYONE will ever say will make me stop running. The comments that ARE meant to be hurtful, don't hurt me. I'm stronger than that. And love myself a lot more to let those things get to me. And i know it might sound like I'm complaining that people are trying to be nice to me. I'm not.
I know I'm fatter than a lot of people, and larger than the 'typical' runner. Is that it? Why doesn't my husband get those comments? Maybe he needs encouragement more than I do. Or that other person running needs it more than me. Being fat doesn't automatically mean that I hate myself and need other people to help me feel better about myself.
I don't need encouragement to stay out there. I'm out there because I want to be and I have goals.
What I've been up to...
I started a weight loss challenge with my chatter bitches last week, and so far I'm doing ok. I started at 229.5 and weighed in on Friday at 228.4. I lost a pound. Which is good. But I didn't eat too well Thursday, Friday or Saturday. Which disappoints me. I'm just so disappointed in myself that I regained weight and have not lost it yet. It's my own fault why I havent lost it, and I hate that.
I know what I need to do to lose weight. I need to track my food and exercise. But yet sometimes it is just so hard to do. I don't know why. I guess because it's easier to not track my food and eat unhealthy food. It's easier to go get fast food or buy something frozen and put it in the oven. Not that much easier, really, but still easier.
I have been exercising more the past couple of weeks, which is good. I did have a not so good run today though. I was planning on doing 14 miles, which I wasn't very excited about. I really did not want to go running, but I went anyway. I felt good during it - I had energy and wasn't hating it. But I did something to my Achilles on Friday, on my right leg. Of course. This right leg just needs to go or get healthy! It's always causing problems. But I don't even know what exactly I did to it. It just hurts. I was cleaning Friday night, and turned around and it just started to hurt. It was sore when I started running, but it became worse and I decided to stop at mile 6. I'll try to rest my leg and take care of it this week, so I can try to do 14 or 15 next weekend. I hope it feels better soon. I really don't want to NOT run or walk or do any other exercise this week.
My long runs, though, are getting better. Each week I have improved my time per mile, and even today was better, but it was also a shorter distance than the past few weeks.
I know what I need to do to lose weight. I need to track my food and exercise. But yet sometimes it is just so hard to do. I don't know why. I guess because it's easier to not track my food and eat unhealthy food. It's easier to go get fast food or buy something frozen and put it in the oven. Not that much easier, really, but still easier.
I have been exercising more the past couple of weeks, which is good. I did have a not so good run today though. I was planning on doing 14 miles, which I wasn't very excited about. I really did not want to go running, but I went anyway. I felt good during it - I had energy and wasn't hating it. But I did something to my Achilles on Friday, on my right leg. Of course. This right leg just needs to go or get healthy! It's always causing problems. But I don't even know what exactly I did to it. It just hurts. I was cleaning Friday night, and turned around and it just started to hurt. It was sore when I started running, but it became worse and I decided to stop at mile 6. I'll try to rest my leg and take care of it this week, so I can try to do 14 or 15 next weekend. I hope it feels better soon. I really don't want to NOT run or walk or do any other exercise this week.
My long runs, though, are getting better. Each week I have improved my time per mile, and even today was better, but it was also a shorter distance than the past few weeks.
Friday, August 3, 2012
"Hahaha Give it up, runner!"
That is what someone yelled at me, this week while running. It was after work and hot. I was tired and really did NOT feel like doing anything, let alone go for a run. But I pushed myself to go and already was not feeling it. It was not a good run.
And then just barely into it, I heard that. From an adult. A young adult, but an adult. Who says that to someone? Someone who is out there doing something that many people are afraid to do?
I yelled back a tiny lie that I'm kind of ashamed of, but I couldn't keep going and NOT say anything. I yelled "I RUN MARATHONS!" It's not quite true. I've run and finished a half marathon, and ran in a marathon 2 years ago, and had to stop at mile 24. So not technically true, but I was pissed.
When I ran by there on the way back, I'm pretty sure that dude was still there, but he didn't say anything or didn't see me.
It makes me wonder what kind of person he is. And why he would think that is an ok thing to yell to someone? It didn't bother me, and make me want to quit running, obviously. It would take a lot more than that!
I love running and love how it makes me feel. It just sucks that someone tried to take that from me. And that is really what he was doing, even if he knew it or not. He was hoping to discourage me. He didn't. Not even close.
I've been disappointed in myself this year, which is why I have avoided writing here. I haven't felt like writing about myself or running or even about the half marathon that I ran in May. This year has been a really stressful year for me. I had a job change at work that I absolutely hate and it's been really hard. It's turned me into a person that I don't really like anymore. I've been trying to change it, but it's hard. I disliked my job immensely before this change, but now it's even more so. I started school last fall, and that has added stress too.
I ran a half marathon, but didnt even write about it! I should have been yelling about it! I finished, but was upset at myself for not doing as well as I would have liked. I didn't feel good when I ran it. But it is still something that is amazing!
But back to this comment. I think back to the person I was when I was a teen, and the person who allowed herself to get to nearly 300 pounds. In the past, I would have let a comment like this get to me. I would have cried and been upset. I would have stopped running, and turned around and went home. I probably wouldn't have been running in the first place, but even so, I used to let comments like that hurt me. I no longer do. Running has been a BIG reason why. I don't know what it is about it that makes me love it, but I do. I love that feeling of finishing a run, especially a GOOD run. Knowing that I ran a mile, 2 miles or 5 or 10 or more makes me feel really amazing. Even the bad runs. I remember how much I used to hate it in gym in 10th grade, and to have become a person who loves to run, still amazes me.
It pisses me off that someone would try to take that away from me or maybe has to someone else.
I ended that run to one of my favorite running songs, and coincidently enough, today's run ended on the same song.
I love Christina Aguilera's Fighter. Its such an awesome song and has helped me get through so many runs. I like a part near the end, with these lyrics:
How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretend not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
YOU-WON'T-STOP-ME
I am a fighter and I
I ain't gonna stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough
The part in bold really made me think today. It reminded me that I can't go back. I can not go back to that person I was. That person who hated herself so much, and who ate herself to 298 pounds. I just can't. I have to keep this up. I can't let stress and my job, other people and lastly, and most importantly, myself, take this away from me. I need to remember that when I'm finding excuses to not run and to eat poorly. I can't turn back and go back to that person. I was miserable. I don't want that for myself anymore.
I'm worth more than that. And I need to remember that.
And then just barely into it, I heard that. From an adult. A young adult, but an adult. Who says that to someone? Someone who is out there doing something that many people are afraid to do?
I yelled back a tiny lie that I'm kind of ashamed of, but I couldn't keep going and NOT say anything. I yelled "I RUN MARATHONS!" It's not quite true. I've run and finished a half marathon, and ran in a marathon 2 years ago, and had to stop at mile 24. So not technically true, but I was pissed.
When I ran by there on the way back, I'm pretty sure that dude was still there, but he didn't say anything or didn't see me.
It makes me wonder what kind of person he is. And why he would think that is an ok thing to yell to someone? It didn't bother me, and make me want to quit running, obviously. It would take a lot more than that!
I love running and love how it makes me feel. It just sucks that someone tried to take that from me. And that is really what he was doing, even if he knew it or not. He was hoping to discourage me. He didn't. Not even close.
I've been disappointed in myself this year, which is why I have avoided writing here. I haven't felt like writing about myself or running or even about the half marathon that I ran in May. This year has been a really stressful year for me. I had a job change at work that I absolutely hate and it's been really hard. It's turned me into a person that I don't really like anymore. I've been trying to change it, but it's hard. I disliked my job immensely before this change, but now it's even more so. I started school last fall, and that has added stress too.
I ran a half marathon, but didnt even write about it! I should have been yelling about it! I finished, but was upset at myself for not doing as well as I would have liked. I didn't feel good when I ran it. But it is still something that is amazing!
But back to this comment. I think back to the person I was when I was a teen, and the person who allowed herself to get to nearly 300 pounds. In the past, I would have let a comment like this get to me. I would have cried and been upset. I would have stopped running, and turned around and went home. I probably wouldn't have been running in the first place, but even so, I used to let comments like that hurt me. I no longer do. Running has been a BIG reason why. I don't know what it is about it that makes me love it, but I do. I love that feeling of finishing a run, especially a GOOD run. Knowing that I ran a mile, 2 miles or 5 or 10 or more makes me feel really amazing. Even the bad runs. I remember how much I used to hate it in gym in 10th grade, and to have become a person who loves to run, still amazes me.
It pisses me off that someone would try to take that away from me or maybe has to someone else.
I ended that run to one of my favorite running songs, and coincidently enough, today's run ended on the same song.
How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretend not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
YOU-WON'T-STOP-ME
I am a fighter and I
I ain't gonna stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough
The part in bold really made me think today. It reminded me that I can't go back. I can not go back to that person I was. That person who hated herself so much, and who ate herself to 298 pounds. I just can't. I have to keep this up. I can't let stress and my job, other people and lastly, and most importantly, myself, take this away from me. I need to remember that when I'm finding excuses to not run and to eat poorly. I can't turn back and go back to that person. I was miserable. I don't want that for myself anymore.
I'm worth more than that. And I need to remember that.
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